This probably isn’t your normal Dear Santa letter, I haven’t heard any of my friends confess that they write to you on their own behalf.  I feel a little sheepish being 42 and asking Santa for something for myself, but I decided that I won’t beat myself up or feel guilty about it.  I just won’t tell anyone.  

And I have already written to you on behalf of The Gaggle, advocating for them as a good mother should. Reminding you of their hearts’ desires in case they told you 500 things and letting you know that their behavior wasn’t so bad that they should get coal.  Well, maybe.  

But see Santa, that’s partly my fault because I let them watch t.v. before they were 3 and so many other things that have just ruined them for life.  So please don’t punish them for my wrongdoings.  It would just add to the crap I deal with everyday that never quite heals.  And I so want them to have the joy and wonder of Christmas.  If I can not convince you that they are good sweet children indeed, then please just think about maybe socks and underwear instead of coal?  

I thought about venturing to the mall and sitting on your lap to tell you what I am about to say, but I am suspicious that the story about your elves filling in for you is indeed true.  Not that there is anything wrong with that.  I mean you all live in the same place right? And you can’t be everywhere at once.  Being a Mom I understand how frustrating it is to have that kind of expectation placed on you and if I had a bunch of look alikes that could pass for me, I ‘d sure as hell… um sorry… heck, take advantage of that too.  Your Mom obviously did not raise any dumb Santa.  

The problem lies only in that I wanted to make sure my request got directly to you.  It has been so long since I wrote you with a Christmas list of my own and  it is a little unorthodox I am sure.  I also am not sure that anyone but you could read my heart and know that even though I wasn’t on my best behavior all year, I was not naughty or mean.  At least not on purpose.  If I was it was just because I was hurting and lost for a while.  

My heart was always in the right place.  I know that is no excuse for letting people down, for not picking myself right back up and pushing ahead  in the face of all that has been thrown my way this last year.  But I am trying as hard as I can to fix things now.  That has to count for something right?  

I originally wanted to ask you for a new life.  I have looked everywhere and just can’t seem to find one.  Not a decent one and they are way too expensive for me anyways.  I have had a few trade ins over the years, some better than others but the warranty on the current one wasn’t that long, I think it was over well before I realized I wanted to trade it in again.  Now that the warranty is up I think the trade in policy defaults to that of a cell phone.  I must have this one for at least a while and even when I get my bonus  for being a subscriber for x amount of time, I still only get half off.  Maybe even less.  Seems a little wonky to me the way it works but that’s what I get for going thought the drive thru last time.  Everybody knows you get screwed at the drive through.  

But it isn’t a whole new life I really need or want anymore.  Present circumstances with the trade-in and warranty restrictions I have learned to adapt and make the best of what I have. I actually like the life I have and who I am and the people who are in it.  I have come to realize that money can not buy what I have received this year, though the price was still very high, and that I can not count on anyone, not even you dear Santa, to give me something better.  That has to be on me.  

So I am only asking for a few accessories to add to the life I have.  Nothing too big I think, I mean if anyone can do it would be you. And if you just can not swing these few items, I understand.  But it never hurts to ask and  I am pretty sure the things I am asking for will all fit in my stocking.

• A can of heart paint.  I know it doesn’t actually fix a broken heart but it will spruce it  up a bit and I heard it works great covering up the damage and the places that it had to be put back together after it broke so much.  I am thinking in purple or red.
• A  pocket.  After it is shiny from the new paint,  I may be tempted  to wear my heart on my sleeve again and that just keeps it safer.  
• A copy of  How to Raise a Gaggle That isn’t Doomed by  Ignorant Parenting Skills.  A self-help book I know but this is the one I was supposed to get.  
• A Nudge in the Right Direction that I could use when I am stuck
• An extra bit of patience as mine has worn thin too often lately
• A security blanket, it doesn’t have to be that big
• A ball of joy to share with the kids
• A ration of shit to keep My Mean Streak happy
• A winning Lottery ticket

So that’s it just those few things that don’t take up much room but would make my life a little easier.   My original list included a Sense of  Accomplishment and A Measure of Peace but I have been able to find those things on my own.

Thanks  for taking the time to read my letter.  I feel like a kid again writing a Christmas list to you.  I will be sure that the kids are sleeping next week when you get here and of course there will be a nice selection of cookies and eggnog too.  

Warmly,

~Lizzie Cracked (not broken)