It Won’t Always be This Way

bipolar humor

Once, sometime ago, when I was in another low spot much like where  I have been recently,  My SIL, she of the butterfly wisdom said to me something that I have carried with me every day since;   

It won’t always be this way.

That statement right there did more to give me hope, then anything else I had heard.  She didn’t say it would be better tomorrow or it’s not so bad, or any of the other many things that are easy enough to say to someone who is depressed, and sound nice and are meant well.

Just, it won’t always be this way.

It doesn’t promise that you will feel better, just that it will change.  But to some, in the lowest point of the bottom of the well, with the darkness heavy about them, the only choice is to believe it will change for the better, and even if there is a way to imagine worse, anything is better than the same as it is today.

It is the promise of relief, of moving, of not being stuck, trapped, helpless in the darkness, running to stand still.

And from that place, if your brain can imagine a better place, than you have found hope, a reason to live, a reason to stick around, no matter how painful, to see what the next day will bring.

Of course that also works the other way too.  The times of contented bliss, may not last forever just the way they are today, and instead of losing hope when I am happy and remind myself of that, it causes me to take notice, and feel as much of the joy, and live each moment, and have a grateful heart.

A few weeks ago I was content with my life.  Things weren’t perfect but I didn’t have much that bothered me either.  I felt stable and optimistic.

Then something happened.  I don’t know exactly what …  nothing happened to trigger me emotionally, I just tripped.  I guess since this lovely mental disorder I have is a, or causes a, or is caused by a, chemical imbalance in my brain, that maybe things got out of whack.  Yes, there were signs.  But I had no idea it would go this far.

In the past when I have had my dark days,  I haven’t written much.  If you looked at a calendar, you would see that about once every couple of months, I have missed from 3 to a bunch more days.  Those times were just because … well I am not sure why, if I didn’t feel like writing or couldn’t or what but since I have decided that showing people there is a positive side to bipolar disorder, I got it stuck in my head that I should not show the side of it that isn’t positive.

Going with that, and the fact that I happened to be trying to at least do my job right, I skipped a day, then another.  I wasn’t worried I always bounced back.  Couple of days and all would be fine.

That was over three weeks ago.  For awhile I thought I just had nothing to say anymore.  Ha ha.  The few days that I had time to focus on writing for here, I couldn’t come up with a thing. Nothing, nada, zilch.

Zippo.

Then I got scared.  What if I could never come up with something again?  What if this had run its course, like so many other things I have tried, and applied myself to with a humongous concentrated power of will then one day, just lost interest?

At some point I realized that it wasn’t about not having anything to say.  I had written plenty.  Emails that I have gone back and looked at are full all kinds of …stuff.  Of course there was work and I guess at some point I realized that if I could still do that then it wasn’t about not being able to write.  I have a harder time.  A little brain fog and I can’t find words as easily, sometimes in the middle of something I just go off on a tangent, but that part is pretty much normal.

I guess after that I was just waiting for the happy, optimistic me to come back.  I think after realizing that I had written quite a bit, I didn’t think it suitable for printing.  Why?  Because it was about what  I came here to get away from.  Not to deny or pretend it isn’t there, but to find the silver lining, to prove there was one.  In the past, I bounced back pretty quick.  I didn’t want you to see this side of me.

This has been going on for almost a month.  I am better than I was two weeks ago.  Probably more in a mixed state, symptoms of both depression and mania at once, which is better and not better at the same time.  I know, confusing.

It occurs to me that I am at a point where if I don’t get back on the horse, ready or not, I may end up abandoning this journey.  I don’t want to.  I want to be here.  This is where I belong.

And truly, to think I can be positive every single day, or skip out when I am not and no one would notice?  I realize that in my quest to bring the positive out of this disorder, I could probably have more impact if you saw the flip side every once in a while.

You won’t know what  I overcome if you don’t see where  I come from.

I still have all the negatives of bipolar disorder.  Yes, I handle them much better than  I used to because I changed my outlook.  I refuse to live my life every day thinking poor me, I am doomed, and dwelling on the …crap.  But sometimes that is where my mind takes me because that is all it can do.

And there is some good here.  I am still creative, just in a different way.

Given the choice of waiting it out, who knows how long, giving it up, or coming back on here and showing my angry, defiant, depressed, hurting side, I choose to come back.  I have to.

So please, stick with me if I don’t seem my normal happy self.  I tend to get a little cynical, maybe a little sensitive.  I may avoid things for a while, such as the comments on Going Under, just because I need to not be there for the moment, but I am here.  And I am me.

This is the other part of me.

Good, bad, indifferent, this is who I am.   And I am writing about where I am at.  No more hiding when I am not happy.  No more waiting it out.  I will be here and for all of you reading who may find it painful, or sad, or not what you have come to expect from me, just remember,

It won’t always be this way…

Lizzie Cracked..  never broken

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140 responses to “It Won’t Always be This Way

    • thank you.. that gives me hope. You are welcome.. I had to, or keep being lost. I am worn out from it.. my friends are ..worn out from it. maybe this will help it stop. I appreciate your kind words. :-)

  1. Keep fighting it and stay strong. You inspire others and draw from the strength of family and friends.

  2. My man LIZZIE. What’s crackin kid. My dear friend let me break it down for you…We love you anyway, anyhow, the good, the bad, the ugly, the gltter ass and all. The reason we read and follow your SHIT is because it is REAL and it is you. And i don’t give a shit what you write as long as i can see a post because then i know my girl is safe and alive and sharing, inspiring others to have no shame to live and love and laugh and be AWESOME like you are. So stop you shit and get back on your horse. xoxoxoxox!

    • And that Ladies and Gentlemen is why they call him…or he calls himself…so therefore we call him..( I call him something else but I forget..that would be like talking trash ) BREAK IT DOWN PETE…cause that’s what he does and well… go visit his blog…link ———> over there.. no wait! Not yet…when I’m done…
      I don’t know whether to laugh or cry… or both (I’m funny that way.. not really my fault). Thanks Pete. Sincerely.. and so I’m sure I got it…get back in the saddle but save a horse.. ? Not quite sure how I managed to come up with that but at least I know if I get whiny and bitchy and .um you know…crazy. ;-) you wil set me straight.

      You dint miss that one part did you.? The thanks part? Sincerely.

      • Save a horse? WTF? Now thats what i am talking about, you bouncing off the walls in a 100 directions. Thats why we love and respect you and read your shit. And these people ain’t ready for our brand of trash (shit) talking, so keep that on the down low between you and me. And thank you for just being you and not wanting to be treated different. Later my dude! Ha Ha i said whats crackin to a woman who is cracked. I’m an idiot! But thats some funny shit.

      • I saw that… crackin… that was some funny shit. And only you can get away with that ya know.. the horse.. well it made sense when I thought of it..popped into my head.. but then it didn’t and now I haven;t clue so yeah..that is a hopeful sign. One more thing .. —-> http://wp.me/p1UxLI-uv trash talking .. ;-) I was kinda hoping you would show up there.. you woulda had fun :-) thank you my friend. You rock! I don’t need to say you aren’t an idiot.. I should but.. ;-)

    • Thank you :-) I truly appreciate that. I dunno though some of the crap that has been going through my mind lately… I mean, I am going to keep going..mental moments will be back tomorrow, I just am shocked by the things I say in my head.. and I know what I mean, ya know what I mean? Guess it can’t hurt to give it a shot.. What would Oily George do? ;-)

  3. This side of you is just as shiny and loveable as the other side of you, Lizzie.
    No one can be ‘on’ all of the time, no matter what- it’s simply not realistic, and we, your loyal friends, will wait for you and care for you from afar until you return.
    OR, some of us could care for you in person if you still wanted to come and visit ;o)
    You, girlfriend, are a fighter and you always come out on top! Always!
    Love you mama, love you longtime!

    • shiny? you think so really? I know I am always lovable :roll: but shiny? oh like dark shiny.. I know you care.. and I am grateful beyond words, you know that horrible empty feeling? I have barely had it.. just the other empty feeling, not the lonely one cept recently but still even then… as far as in person? if it was a matter of want.. I would already be there and probably stay all summer :-) the summer is still young but damn its already the middle of June. oh no wait that;s next week. The kids left Friday.. . and it only took me like 5 minutes to miss the little heathens… sigh.. nothing about want… and I have all kinds of fare alerts set up :-)

      I guess I was on for long enough and my offs were very short. It has been too long. I read that some cycles last like 4 months.. wtf. in retrospect I have had longer I am sure, but I didn’t know then and can’t say when. I’m tired. Just plain tired.

      • Lizzie, you couldn’t be un-shiny if you tried! Your honesty about what is going on with you makes you even more glowy & glittery than before- seriously!

        And, you wouldn’t be the first houseguest I have had that stayed all summer- my door is open to you, always. Lord knows we aren’t going anywhere, so I am always here and I would welcome the company. Husband just asked me if/when you were gonna come- it’s ok with him, too! We could get into soooo much trouble together- WHOOT!

      • oh..gosh trouble isn;t even the word for it do you think? I have been kinda hanging on to the thought.. my bright spot.. everything went to shit this last week..but if I can recover.. me and the rest of the situation.. I will make it happen… I WILL! ( I am kinda willful you know)

  4. Lizzie…you need to write regardless of how you’re feeling. If everyone only wrote the one side of us we’d never get to see the real…whole person and that’s what special about reading everyone’s blogs…there was a movie I think once called..The Good, The Bad and The Ugly…we mostly all have all three…How much we decide to tell is up to us…Diane

    • Well, I do write the bad and ugly..sometimes.. I want to write the funny.. and yea.. I know you are right and I know where you have come from.. I have a huge amount of respect for you and I believe you.. I don;t want to feel this way.. today I am better..but I have been better a few days and then gotten worse.. not better like myself…better like..feeling like it would be ok. I guess I just have to do it day by day.. like always and … write. those that matter won;t mind.. thanks Diane.. <3

  5. Here I was, thinking about what to write in a “how you doin?” email, and then here you are.
    And even at the bottom pole, you are still. Rockin. On.

    Top or bottom, wherever you are, it’s a joy to hear your voice and to know that you’re pushing on. And it’s an honor to share the good, and help with the bad. We all get them (not to say it’s the same), but without them, how could we catch and appreciate the light you bring on.
    Rock. The Hell. On.
    And we’re always around for you.

    • I didn’t know what else to do.. my email box is up to 3400… oh no I cleaned some of it out this morning.. I finally slept.. night before last.. its one thing to have a bad day every now and then…even a bad week..and a half even.. but I am getting tired.. and I think it is wearing on .. everyone. Maybe if I just do a few rant and whine posts.. let it alll hang out.. what the hell..it can;t get worse I guess.. thanks for your friendship and support.. knowing I am not alone.. has been a lifesaver.. like a floaties on a kid who can;t swim.. yea..like that.

      • Never found you to be wearing.
        And no, not alone.
        (Seriously, those chicks Ginger and Hobbler are stalking you)
        (At least Hobs will clean your windows)

      • no? you are unflappable. A rock :-) I want to get away from myself for awhile.. Ginger is going to put purple streaks in my hair.. where is Hobs anyway? Everytime I look she has a different name.. and .. oh she passed you.. commenting. A little disconcerting lol… you have held your spot since..January..December even.. how have YOU been?

      • he lured you? wow… I didn;t have to do anything and he sprayed the windows.. wait..aren’t I stalking him too? oh..no shoot oops.. heh heh .. I meant.. oh nevermind… ;-)

      • I will lick both sides of your windows Lizzie. I’ll even lick your shower doors…

        You know I love you right? I think about you a lot. I know depression. We won’t ever be gone. You could write every day or once a year, and we will still love you. You made a friend with me Lizzie, not just a follower or a blogger.

      • I want cotton candy window spray Guap. Lizzie, I am discovering multiple personalities and the keep bitching about my blog name. Also, I’m getting weird Hobbler searches, and I am paranoid about my husband finding the bad blog. We have some issues…

  6. On another note, I’m having a game in a few weeks, so maybe you can play if you feel like it, or watch…

    It might not be as fun as it sounds in my head though. How is your work going Lizzie? Also, I want an allnighter with you sometime again. The kids and I are about to leave for NE, but I’ll do it on my phone. Yeah, I said it. I like doing it on my phone. How do you think the glass got cracked. Sometimes I put it on vibrate and then do it even longer…

  7. Do you want me to stop commenting so much? I didn’t mean to take EG spot. Personally I think he should step it up and comment your head off, but he’s been slacking off. Slackers…it’s one thing to slack off on housework and stuff, but his lack of commenting is inexcusable.

  8. Lizzie – I’m here whether what you write is happy, sad or indifferent. When I think of bipolar I think of normal mood swings cubed. Everyone has them, you have them at a greater rate and higher intensity which makes them more difficult to manage.

    I love your upbeat, funny writing, but you are not one way, with one demeanor. We will just as readily accept your darker musings, they are simply the shadow to your light.

    Best wishes … GC

    • thank you Gillian.. from my heart. I don;t know where i got it from..or why I thought it. Maybe its from the experience of ..having friends until they have to see that part of me.. then ..until now.. I mean until I came here and found people who care..and don;t judge.. I have always hidden when I am down.. always faked it.. I am an honest person but I have been a liar.. by hiding out of…doubt.(fear? doubt makes more sense no? ). I have learned so much..about me.but even more of the true ability of people. You all don;t have to care ..you could just click a button and I am no longer.. an issue..

      really deep down…my hope and true belief was that you wouldn’t do that….but what if… it was there because of how I have been treated and what I have lost in the past.. I don’t want to lose anymore..I reverted to the …hiding..although I didn’t hide it from everyone.. I guess its part of the journey. I am so grateful.. so blessed. Thank you. <3

      • I understand completely. There’s no need to hide with me. A huge hug and much, much love … GC

    • this pole bad.. hey the other isn;t ideal either though.. but is it better? I like it better.. til I get worn out and can;t sleep..but I can;t sleep now so I guess its the same… kinda..

  9. Pingback: Resignation … | Amor's Thoughts·

  10. “It Won’t Always be This Way”

    Isn’t that what the Buddha learned us? Nothing is permanent, so no reason to get attached to anything, not even to your own moods. It will pass, like everything else and when it has passed, look inside you: only you will remain.

    • that makes perfect sense..

      right now.. my mood seems to be attached to me believe me I am not trying to hang on to it.. but it is a good point you make.. I will have to remember that. thank you :-)

  11. Goddamn it, that was beautiful. I’ll still be hanging out, whether we get normal happy Lizzie or cynical, maybe a little sensitive Lizzie. Doesn’t matter. But remember, if you stop paying me to comment here, “it won’t always be this way.”

    (My jokes just keep getting better and better, don’t they?)

    • SOL.. can I make the SNORT bigger? Thanks for the nice words… and um..are you expecting more for the joke? I thought I got the jokes included package – although I swear it said..not lame either… ? :-) This could be an adventure you know… uncharted territory.. it can get pretty dangerous over here scissors have been known to fly.. there are naked people everywhere.. well in my head but a few around here too… but its low budget… just be sure to bring.. um.. snacks.. and put the damn klonipin in the first aid kit… !! :-) oh..patience can;t forget the patience… just a little..shit now I got that damn song in my head.. but its pretty good..so .. I’ll go with it….
      (did you say random Lizzie was ok :-) ? )

      • Axl Rose says random Lizzie is OK. And if Axl Rose approves, you know you’re doing something right. Everyone now!
        Little patience, mmm yeah, mm yeah
        Need a little patience, yeah
        Just a little patience, yeah
        Some more patience, yeah
        Could use some patience, yeah
        Gotta have some patience, yeah
        All it takes is patience
        Just a little patience
        Is all you need

      • grant me patience .. and hurry!
        Axl Rose is crazy. oh.. well that works..
        I’ll be walking the streets tonight
        just trying to get it right..
        hmm hmm bla bla (faking it like people do …. :-P ) just a little patience.. mmm mmm…

      • We used to substitute”lubrication” for “patience” in that song.
        I don’t know what we were thinking.
        Yes I do.
        Hehehe

      • I fee like I should be shocked…or surprised.. but oddly.. I’m not.

        No wait.. I just had to pee. Its all good. My kingdom for a donut..and COFFEE…a little lubrication…damn it man will have THAT stuck in my head all day…

  12. Lizzie, I think I would take Hobbler up on her offer to lick yur shower door. But you have to video tape it and post it on a mental moment! LOL! You are so strong, but also you are sooooo determined. I can feel it. I’m glad you’re going to forge ahead. Every moment is a new beginning and just keep going forward are my two favorite mottos whenever I feel down, or unsure or depressed. And you know it has really worked for me of late. I thought it was interesting how you said you will start something and give it all your power and then suddenly lose interest completely. Well, that’s happened to me lots of times!! Of course, I don’t have bi polar but maybe I have tri polar or quadruple polar? Maybe I have polar bear! Oh great now I just made myself hungry for at peppermint patty or a Klondike bar . . . one of those. :D <3

    • mmmm Klondike bar…I like Dove better. Milk chocolate. I don’t do things half assed…maybe cause deep down I know it wont be enough to sustain my interest. The Army? Could have gone Reserves or National Guard.. in fact I was told to by a friend that was in the Army.. but nooooo I had to have it all or nothing. Things like that..jobs.. I try to stick them out.. usually do. But when I wanted to start making beaded jewelry after 8 yo was born to fight off the postpartum depression… I bought all the beads…. trolled eBay regualrly and ended up making a business out of it… its usually a mood shift that stops the momentum..then if I go too long or ..move About a month or a little more ago.. no it was a bit longer… I was perfectly content here…I liked the way it was…so I figured it would have to change….. it did.. but thats ok.. kinda..

  13. Well you know Lizzie I think we all do the starting projects thing and being really enthusiastic and then suddenly completely lose interest. But I think it’s a more magnified experience for you. Add to that your brilliant creativity and I’m sure it gets pretty complicated. You know, what it sounds like, your “timing” mechanism is off. You know like on a car when the throttle is going full force and then it slows way down and you have to adjust the timer — I don’t know anything about cars but still I think it might be the right analogy. It’s like your burning too much gas and then your not getting enough gas. Something like that anyway! I was thinking about that phrase, “it won’t always be this way.” It’s perfect, I see why it helped you. Life goes along whether we like it or not. Sometimes we like what is happening and sometimes we go for long long periods of time where we don’t like how it feels. The only thing we can really count on is that it always changes. And I have found the older you get the longer the periods are where you’re liking it. When I was in my forties things were so hectic that I so busy taking care of everyone and trying to hold everything together that whenever I had a dr. visit I had to subtract the year I was born from whatever year it was because I couldn’t even remember how old I was. I knew I was somewhere between 44 and 47. HA! True story. So right now you are in the most complicated time of life anyway — but it really does calm down and you really do get yourself back when all the kids get bigger and the dust settles. So promise me you’ll be easy on yourself!! Cut Lizzie some slack! She’s doing her very very best! And she’s a trooper!! <3

  14. I am so far behind – look at this! Can you believe I’m going to comment on a post this old, but I just read it, so it’s new to me. Hang in there Lizzie, I understand perfectly what you’re going through being of the chemically imbalanced type also. I am lucky in that we seem to have found the right recipe for me, but I know not everyone is so lucky. It took so long to get mine right & I thought I would truly go out of my cotton picking mind in the meantime. But I still do get down (note how far behind I am & how little I’ve written lately), so I truly do understand. I’m here for you hon.

    • thank you :-) and its ok with me to post a comment on anything anytime you want ..I just replied to another saying that I only just earlier realized how long it had been since I had seen you..I have been in and out.. at least I am posting but I haven;t really got back into the reading and commenting so I post and then go do other things..I have been doing a lot of artsy fartsie things..reaaranging.. and I am tweaking the meds..no I am not they are.. you know how it goes.,. looking for the right ones. Its never ending..but you give me hope that I will find what I need. I am tired .. but I am tired of being all over the place too..

      • When your meds need to be changed it can be so tiring – experiencing unwanted symptoms & fighting your way back to some type of normal. I remember this all too well Lizzie. You’re in my thoughts & prayers as you work your way through this.

      • thanks so much :-) it is tiring and how are you? I am just starting to catch up with the blogs I follow… I feel silly but I don;t remember that I have seen many posts from you lately? anyways…thinking of you and always nice to have you here. :-)

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