Jesus Take the Wheel

I’m stupid.

Yes I know, hard to believe but I am.

I’m having a moment here..real life. Real talk.

A moment of such intense relief of everything, EVERYTHING I’ve been holding onto for years.

It just left me.

Ok so it wasn’t like a minute or even an hour, maybe it’s been a long time coming and because of events of late..I am letting go.

I may have lost someone who changed my life, because I’m an idiot and pushed away all the other wonderful people in my life.

It is this moment and losing this person ….

I met a man. Ok, I know just wait a second. Bear with me.

This man is amazing AMAZING and he loved me and I’m an ass.

I closed my heart. I waited for him to hurt me. I wanted him to fuck up. He didn’t.

I did.

And I’ve been awake all night, realizing I care.

I care about the fact I hurt him and then realizing I’ve hurt a lot of people and I care.

He reminded me of who I really am and how much I really love, and love hard.

Except I was,correction, I AM scared. I’m scared to be who I am and love hard and let those I love just stay or go or love me or not. I try so hard to be what they want.

Duh, they just want me. Like I want them.

My parents, my brother and his family, my kids, Red, Sam, my entire beautiful crazy amazing extended family..

This man.

It’s morning, time to make the donuts and time to start the day.

This beautiful, hopeful day.

I’m letting go.

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4 thoughts on “Jesus Take the Wheel

  1. I’m reading somewhat between the lines ‘so to speak’. But I gather that this is a ‘for certain’ letting go… While I’m glad you’ve come to a somewhat place of peace in your decision…. I am sorry that things are what they are.
    As far as trying to be what some people want you to be, I can identify with that. I thought I was okay… but lately some harsh words from a couple in my immediate family… came out with such a rush of harsh words to me, I am left so confused. One has cut relationship with me ‘until things change… until I change’. Trouble is we are who we are… At 73 I’m not sure what change is being looked for.. (and she won’t talk to me).
    Anyway Lizzie, it was so good to see a post from you…. I only went into a bit to say that I have similar tendencies … thinking somehow I have to try to be/say/don what others want me too.
    Take care… and ‘love and believe in yourself’….. Diane

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