I’m stupid.

Yes I know, hard to believe but I am.

I’m having a moment here..real life. Real talk.

A moment of such intense relief of everything, EVERYTHING I’ve been holding onto for years.

It just left me.

Ok so it wasn’t like a minute or even an hour, maybe it’s been a long time coming and because of events of late..I am letting go.

I may have lost someone who changed my life, because I’m an idiot and pushed away all the other wonderful people in my life.

It is this moment and losing this person ….

I met a man. Ok, I know just wait a second. Bear with me.

This man is amazing AMAZING and he loved me and I’m an ass.

I closed my heart. I waited for him to hurt me. I wanted him to fuck up. He didn’t.

I did.

And I’ve been awake all night, realizing I care.

I care about the fact I hurt him and then realizing I’ve hurt a lot of people and I care.

He reminded me of who I really am and how much I really love, and love hard.

Except I was,correction, I AM scared. I’m scared to be who I am and love hard and let those I love just stay or go or love me or not. I try so hard to be what they want.

Duh, they just want me. Like I want them.

My parents, my brother and his family, my kids, Red, Sam, my entire beautiful crazy amazing extended family..

This man.

It’s morning, time to make the donuts and time to start the day.

This beautiful, hopeful day.

I’m letting go.