In the Quiet of My Solitude

There is a difference between solitude and loneliness.

Loneliness adds beauty . . .

Solitude is comforting and peaceful.  It is quiet and calm, soothing.  A welcome rest for a racing mind.  It still races but with no demands.

Lonely is pain.  It is hurting and longing.  Need and sadness.

I have learned over the past year that just because I am alone, I am not alone.

I have people that care very much about me.  People to whom I matter and matter very much to me.  And I can count on them and they will be there for me, as I try to be there for them.

I enjoy solitude, as I never have before in my life.  Now that I feel that I understand it, I treasure it.

But sometimes in the dark of the night, in the wee hours of the morning, I find myself, unsettled.  I can’t sleep, or pick one activity to get deeply involved in.  I end up doing a bunch of things, not well,  and at some point realize the restlessness of my soul…is loneliness.

That moment of realization, is like a punch in the gut.  It takes my breath away.  It hurts.

And I long to just be held, touched, I long to feel like a real girl in a real world.

It does not matter then that I can, in my head make myself anyone I want, even a superhero.

It does not matter then that I can lose myself in a book, or draw, or even write.

I don’t want to talk, but still need to be heard.

I don’t need to hear but still want to listen.

I just want the comfort of a hand stroking my hair…of arms around me.  Of someone here..

I can still have solitude and not be lonely..and I can be even more lonely not in solitude

A warmth to draw strength from..  a strength to be warm to.

I want to feel love in its tangible form… and give love in the way it can be felt..  touch.  motion.

I want to feel alive, and celebrate being alive.

With someone as happy to be alive.

The longing becomes intense, the need…like hunger gnawing at me.

And in the quiet of my solitude,  the tears flow from my heart.

I am lonely.

 

When you are lonely, what do you want or need more than anything?
Can you be alone and not feel lonely?

 

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55 responses to “In the Quiet of My Solitude

  1. Very real and vey ‘touching’ to the heart. One can be ‘lonely’ sometimes in the midst of even caring loving people….When I was in the midst of my depression I never felt so lonely at times in a crowd of people I knew and loved and cherished as friends because they were happy and I was not…Diane

    • I have often wondered lately which is harder..to be alone and lonely or to be amongst others and be lonely.. I think its more painful to feel alone in a crowded room…but at times like these ..I wonder more.. thank you for sharing .. 🙂

      • I find more lately that I can ‘be amongst others and still be lonely’. Like I am on a different plane or in a different world and I don’t understand their world and they don’t understand mine. Especially with women of my same age/status/etc. They have a set of rules they live by and that is that. I always want to buck that set of rules and end up feeling isolated bc of it. I don’t know how else to explain it????

      • that is my world sister.. my world.. I gotta an extra pair of scissors around here somewhere if you want them? … that’s how I explained it 🙂 Love you much…

      • I think I have visited the world of which you speak. A few times. Because of great depression or grief – where you’re looking at the rest of the world & wondering how they can be going on with their lives when you’re dying inside. Don’t they understand how hurt you are? Don’t they see you need someone? Don’t they care? How can they toss a ball for their dog & act pleased when the dog returns it when everything around you is so black?

  2. I learned a long time ago the difference between alone & lonely. I love being alone, I cherish my alone time. But being lonely is a whole different ball of wax. Being lonely is an ache deep inside you, waiting for something or someone to fill. It’s persistent, it isn’t easily satisfied with distraction or sleep. Being lonely is a need.
    The way you expressed yourself in your post today was truly beautiful. I hope you consider me one of the ones who is always there for you. Unfortunately, I cannot assuage your loneliness & your need to be touched in a loving way. But I can be there for you, listen to you, cry with you, whatever you need to not feel so alone.

    • thank you.. my gratitude .. I can;t even express it.
      Sometimes I think the need to be touched is just a longing to be connected to someone else.. something you can ..put your hands on..not have to try to figure out in your brain..it is simple and powerful…and sometimes feels like that would …like a soothing balm on a booboo….

  3. Awwww Hugs lovely! When I am lonely I love to snuggle up with my kids. It reminds me of the reasons I am alone and why I should cherish it and not regret it. I also tend to clean and work out A LOT. Those are my feel good distractions lol. I know. I am strange. And, yes, you can be alone and not be lonely. Before I met my husby and after Shia’s dad I had a year where I didn’t trust anyone. I had come to the conclusion I was to be alone for the rest of my life and I was truly OKAY with that. Of course it took the crazy psychotic ex to make me go over that brink, but once I was there; it was amazing. There is something incredibly freeing about being comfortable being alone. It is almost like being a kid again and having that mindset of the world is yours for the taking and nothing holds you back… You can discover new talents, friends, new interests, so many things you may have over looked when looking/ panic for the chance to not be alone. However, loneliness still sneaks in occasionally. You gotta realize lady, that you could walk into any bar and find a John that would make out with you and even fullfill any racy lack you might be feeling- BUT that isn’t what you are really wanting or needing (or is it? I went through that phase. The whole I don’t really want you but you are better than battery operated at the moment… Don’t ask) Honestly being alone is hard but being lonely is harder. Loneliness encompasses fear, paranoia, hate, and a whole slew of negativity.
    You Lizzie are amazing. I might not be your neighbor or someone you see in person, but I as well as others know from your writing how much heart and beauty is that makes you. You are astounding! Here if you ever need to talk!

    • it is truly a great day when you realize that you are a whole person and a great person ..as just the person you are..meaning without someone else to define you.. I for the longest was one to put my life on hold because i couldnt do this or that alone.. omg nooo.. and I was kinda pitiful lol… this is the first time…partly becasue the hurt and betrayal was sooo deep it was near to grief,..grieving someone who had died .. it was that hard. I didn;t want anything else but to be alone and wow did I discover how cool I really am all by myself 🙂 I think in the wee hours of the morning.. well the kids are sleeping although I have been known to pinch one or anojther so they cry for their mama…. 🙄 no but to crawl in bed with them lol.. I actaully think its just that when you open that door again to let someone in..and maybe start thinking about someone being part of your life..even a little… having a companion…no I don;t just want the booty call… been there too.. but I am eve nbeyond that now..don;t want to get married or live with anyone just don;t want meaningless relationships and its harder I think to know there is someone who can be there for you… I don;t know… I’m not good at the middle ground.. it;s not in my nature.. and I want a meaningful something..which I too thought I never ever wanted to even think about again… not really thinking about it now.. just ..that small comfort of even holding hands… thinking about it makes it feel like it could make it stop hurting…

      yes you are strange but I love that about you and strange in a good and wonderful way…. thanks… 🙂

  4. I love you Lizzie. Sometimes even though I’m married with kids and everything…sometimes I feel so lonely. Blogging, writing feelings down helps, but I don’t have any better advice. I’ll just hold your hand and go through it with you. I think the “alone in a crowd” is worse, and I feel that way constantly.

    • I think alone in a crowd is the hardest because it involves more being misunderstood and unheard,,or possibly ..looked over than being alone by oneself. I love you too.. thank you for sharing. its so odd but when I stopped needing to be understood….someone understood me and when that person was gone, at first the loneliness was worse than ever before.. but one day I realized I was happy with myself and the way things are.. mostly becasue I was wrapped up so much in writing and being here that I thought well I am would be torn having to divide my time… more .. it;s just sometimes ,.a lot late at night when everyone else is asleep… you know what I mean?

      • Totally…I’ve been feeling alone during the day too. It seems like everyone around me is just getting busy. Sometimes I feel like I’m being left behind. I just don’t know though. I’ve been getting a lot of new blog friends, while it feels like I’m losing some of the others. In the real world, I already feel alone. It’s weird.

      • I so understand what you mean.. I think anyways..sometimes like you are just sitting there and everyone is doing their thing and if you weren;t there anymore…they might not even notice? the ones you;d expect to anyways? may be way off… but just so you know… I would notice.. thats how I feel a lot.. i feel less alone here and knowing I have friends here .. weird as that seems – well I know you get it we have talked about it.. some days I could care less if I talk to anyone in the real world and somedays … I want to.. maybe I need a therapist.. I work from home so I am always here but can;t always have my wp open or email open cause i get distracted and lost… so to stay focused I have to disconnect myself for periods of time and the hardest sometimes is to come back and see things going on without me…. it;s life but it just make ya wonder sometimes…

      • and I have noticed … a difference in your tone.. day to day.. maybe I pick up on it sometimes cause I just feel things the way i do.. it certainly is the reason I am .. i have compassion so wouldnt it stand to reason i can recognize it too?

      • I think I’m a little more depressed then usual. It isn’t like I just want people to constantly be there…I think you understand, but when real life sucks and blog life isn’t too great either, it’s hard. I have lost so much faith is general, it is just a strange feeling.

        I’ve thought about taking a little break from blogging too, but there are also complications of doing something like that. Overall I think I just want to get drunk. 😉

      • ohh I think that might be a grand idea..I havent done that in ages and sometimes i find that just tying one on and getting out of my head every blue moon does wonders… oh yes let;s 😉

      • Just a note of warning on taking a break – I took a break a few weeks ago because I was depressed & couldn’t find the ambition to write & lost most of my followers by doing it. And it’s hard to get them back. It may be easier for you because you have a bigger following & you’ve been around longer, but I’m finding it tough.

      • Yeah, people are fickle. The first person I ever followed wrote a post he called “I’d like you to hate to ‘like’ me”. It was humor, but it made me really think about what I wanted from this experience. I decided that I would write because I love to and I need to. That said, some people are hard to lose. It just breaks your heart not to see them around your blog anymore.

      • I only took a couple weeks off & just about everyone deserted me. You’re right, it’s sad when someone doesn’t stick around & you were enjoying their commentary.

      • Even though I couldn’t bring myself to write a post, I was reading & commenting on all my favorite’s posts most of the time. I’m not going to cry over spilled milk, it is what it is & I’ll just have to get creative to get my readership back I guess.

  5. Wow, thanks for a very heartfelt and touching post. Thanks for sharing. Personally, I think that we can be alone and not feel lonely, but you need to be content with yourself before that can happen.
    Thanks again for sharing 🙂

    • I completely agree with you..and that is truly the difference..in my mind anyways between solitude and loneliness… if we are alone and content then we are at a place of knowing ourselves…. and sometimes to get there you have to a lot of very deep and hard soul searching and ..acceptance. I have and I feel more content and complete within myself than I ever have in my life… but I still get lonely for human contact..physical contact to be connected with anotjher.. without even being aware of the state of my soul. Thank you for sharing 🙂 I appreciate it.

  6. Are you alone alone or are you alone with someone? The sad part about life sometimes is that you can be with someone and be completely detached from them on every level. You wake every day and fill your life with things and distractions that serve the purpose of not allowing you to remember you feel this way. On some days though…at certain times…your soul reminds you of the things you miss the most. We ask ourselves what is to be done about it? How do I find comfort and joy in my life? The simple fact that we pay attention to our loneliness oftentimes makes it impossible to remedy. It is when we forget about it and let the universe work it out; that something happens spontaneously, without warning, and we happen across the one we were meant to be with. We have to be ready though…and at peace with ourselves first – not seeking comfort from others, but knowing it from within. Matthew

    • that is an excellent question. I am currently alone.. but I have been alone with someone for .. my whole life until the past few years.. I never felt heard or understood or even properly cared for..in my past marriage or relationships…or even by myself. I found someone that completely understood me and for a while completely accepted me… it was when he lost himself that he could no longer be with me… and that started my journey of solitude. I have never felt happier, with who I am…and how I fit into the world…and just me..than I do right now… and I would rather brave the occasional lonely gut wrenching moment than to go back to the way I felt before…. I hope that the universe has worked favorably for you..it sounds as if you know the pain of lonliness.. or knew of it… thanks for sharing your thoughts… 🙂

  7. I have been surrounded by people and felt absolutely alone. I have been alone before and felt absolutely enclosed in the presence of another! When those feelings arise, I know I need to reflect, refocus, and remember……Perspective changes so very much!

    • It does doesn;t it… I think mostly what I was trying to convey here was sometimes just longing for the physical presence of another… and not just anyone..it is usually late at night when the world is sleeping that I feel loneliness… but sometimes… I do want to just share… like sharing a lazy Sunday.. or morning coffee… I still enjoy those things alone.. but sometimes…I just dont want to be. And yes I would choose to stay alone then to have someone that doesn;t …meld into my world… no point being with someone if you still feel lonely wtih them…

  8. “I have learned over the past year that just because I am alone, I am not alone.” YES YES YES!

    I think this is something many people struggle with; I know I did. I think one of the hardest things in life you can do is fully enjoy yourself without the validation of another.

    • absolutely…and wow..the day it hits you is like.. what;s it like? it was amazing… I don;t have to define myself based on anyone else therefore if I am alone…I am still…always ME 🙂 and pretty damn cool to hang out with too 😉

  9. I have nothing to add.
    Just hanging around for support.
    And to laugh at the folks who just don’t get it.
    (But they don’t seem to come around here)
    (We could laugh at ourselves I suppose)
    (We’re pretty funny)
    (No, not like that)
    (Sigh)
    *closes mouth and leans against wall*

  10. Oh my gosh Lizzie. What a marvelous piece of writing but about your lonliness. I’m so sad you are lonely. When my kids were little and my husband worked all the time and we lived far away from all our family I was lonely for years, surrounded by people! Slowly my lonliness turned into solitude. Solitude is a blessing beyond belief. Now I’m never loney.And I treasure my time alone. You’ll get there too, Lizzie, it just takes time! (hugs) ❤

    • thanks 🙂 I have been learning the beauty of solitude.. its much quieter in my head.. I wonder if that is the path one must go to get to solitude…lonely.. I mean .. I m sure there are people out there that have always enjoyed solitude and never been lonely…no..actually i am not.. but maybe you have to feel lonely first to treasure solitude?

      • Yes I think that’s true now that I really think about it. I also think that some people never reach solitude because they always have someone with them — even people they might hate — to buffer them from being lonely — what a crutch that is. Maybe if they were willing to take that step into lonliness, they’d find themselves and in that there’s solitude.

      • I think you’re on to something here Lizzie! When you are first alone you don’t know what to do with yourself because you’re so used to having people around all the time. I think people have to go through the loneliness to appreciate the solitude. Unless you grew up very solitary, I think it’s something you have to get used to.

      • I was thinking on this more too.. I wonder if we are taught to not be comfortable with ourselves..in some savannahs I do believe this is changing …little girls grow up with the idea that ..wait all kids really.. the logical and appropriate step after whenever is to find a mate and girls tend to get the impression it ha that which defines them….. like I said I think that is changing..it is in my world.. for my girls.. and me too 🙂

  11. Doll, I have spent a large portion of my life alone. The loneliest place for me is in a room full of people I love who are so absorbed in the excruciating minutia they have no concept anything exists outside their own skins.

    My solitude is warm. In it are my memories of the triumphs I own because I am here, not gone. Is it the same as the warm of arms around me? No, but it is knowing I do not have to have them to be whole.

    My solitude has music. No one else hears it. I have to remember this is my theme song. If I listen closely enough, the words are a poem awaiting my pencil to meet the paper to be born.

    My solitude has grace. It never leaves me. When I am in an anxiety-strickened throng, it reminds me calm is a few deep breaths away. When I am in the stillness of the witching hour alone, it reminds me I survived one more day. When I ask why, it lets me know I have a purpose, even if I do not have the wrapping paper off of it yet.

    My solitude knows my loneliness. They are colleagues. It is a relationship of tolerance, for one does not exist without the other. They know no competition for they compete for different attention. One wishes for me to long, the other to be fulfilled.

    In the end, being my own friend is the answer. I have two generations following me. In time, I will be there for them again, as I have in the past. In order to do that, I have to remain true to myself, respect myself and love myself. If I cannot do it for me, I shall never be able to do it for them.

    Tonight has been lonely and wistful for me. It is how I came here. Between the pages, the posts have called. Knowing I have something to share is a comforting reward which sends loneliness to sulk.

    {HUGZ} You are loved. Even when it cannot touch you, you are loved.
    Red.

    If you have a moment, read my first Saturday Evening Post. I think you will understand.
    http://mommasmoneymatters.com/saturday-evening-post/
    xxx

      • Thank you. I tend to take off the filter and let it emanate. It is me silencing the inner editor.
        Off to dream land, but I will be back on the morrow.
        xxx

      • I saw the pingback..I am finishing up work then going to read it. I love having something to look forward to..motivates me to must get it done so I can sit back and enjoy. several people that I follow, I save for those times. I just have to not get behind..
        thank you. 🙂

  12. Pingback: Solitude, Fairies and Mermaids | Momma's Money Matters·

  13. Yes, for the most part I can be alone and not be lonely but I can’t be loney and be alone. For those moments, I have my standbys. Books, my go-to-movies and sexy bald man. They are my precious things that save the lonely from being looney.

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