There is a difference between solitude and loneliness.
Solitude is comforting and peaceful. It is quiet and calm, soothing. A welcome rest for a racing mind. It still races but with no demands.
Lonely is pain. It is hurting and longing. Need and sadness.
I have learned over the past year that just because I am alone, I am not alone.
I have people that care very much about me. People to whom I matter and matter very much to me. And I can count on them and they will be there for me, as I try to be there for them.
I enjoy solitude, as I never have before in my life. Now that I feel that I understand it, I treasure it.
But sometimes in the dark of the night, in the wee hours of the morning, I find myself, unsettled. I can’t sleep, or pick one activity to get deeply involved in. I end up doing a bunch of things, not well, and at some point realize the restlessness of my soul…is loneliness.
That moment of realization, is like a punch in the gut. It takes my breath away. It hurts.
And I long to just be held, touched, I long to feel like a real girl in a real world.
It does not matter then that I can, in my head make myself anyone I want, even a superhero.
It does not matter then that I can lose myself in a book, or draw, or even write.
I don’t want to talk, but still need to be heard.
I don’t need to hear but still want to listen.
I just want the comfort of a hand stroking my hair…of arms around me. Of someone here..
I can still have solitude and not be lonely..and I can be even more lonely not in solitude
A warmth to draw strength from.. a strength to be warm to.
I want to feel love in its tangible form… and give love in the way it can be felt.. touch. motion.
I want to feel alive, and celebrate being alive.
With someone as happy to be alive.
The longing becomes intense, the need…like hunger gnawing at me.
And in the quiet of my solitude, the tears flow from my heart.
I am lonely.
When you are lonely, what do you want or need more than anything?
Can you be alone and not feel lonely?