Hey, I didn’t say Conundrum  🙂  

Are you wondering what you are in for?   

Me too.  So let’s just go with it.  Ready?

I have had what I considered to be writer’s block, now I am not so sure.  What I think now, is that the thoughts I am thinking are not as easily recognizable, therefore, within my ability to get them out of my head and onto the ..paper.

It’s not a lack of something to say, it’s a new direction that may take me awhile to adjust to.  Let me explain how I think I got here.

Working on the theory of energy being neither created nor destroyed,  let’s apply that theory to our soul, our psyche, our being.

We are physical beings, our bodies, and within our physical bodies is contained our spiritual being, our souls.  Within these parameters of containment, there is only a defined amount of energy.  Therefore when we focus our energy on one area, we have less energy for another.

So, in the simplest way I can think of to demonstrate or explain this, when you are used to being alone, without a significant other (using the term loosely) you live a certain way, you have your habits, your quirks your state of mind and that’s the way it is.

If you are happy or content with the state of things, there is balance within that state of being.  This can work with any set of containment or contentment, so keep that in mind because some of you will be thinking, and exactly right too, that you have a significant other and you write and you … ok… it’s a matter of changing and adapting.

It’s a matter of directing your energy and when something changes, learning how to redirect and keep things in balance.  There is a learning curve and an adjustment period with every change because we have the same energy (remember it is neither created nor destroyed) just more, or less to focus it on.

Back to my example.  Being alone, you may not even notice that you stop thinking about things like …  um intimate things that when you are connected to another being in an intimate way you probably put a lot of your energy into thinking about, whether you realize it or not.

Even if it is just thinking about making your intimate (yes we are talking naked intimate here duh)   🙄   life better.  That’s still energy focused on something that when you are alone and have become ..ok with the fact you are alone, you don’t put much energy into, more than maybe longing to be, held, touched or connected in that way with someone, on that level.   To celebrate living by…   nevermind.   😳

Where does that energy go?  Well if you are a writer and have a blog, it may be that it goes there.  In different form altogether, it is the same energy just a different expression.

So, balance is the state we long for, and when we achieve it and understand ourselves and how to best express and reveal and stabilize said energy within the parameters of our life at the moment, we can achieve balance, contentment and ..peace.

Say something,… somebody, unexpected comes along.  A couple of things can happen.

I am from here on out going with ..let’s say somebody. for purposes of illustration and to be able to speak from my heart, and not my ass.  In other words I am going to tell you what I think I know from my perspective and you can substitute anything that might be pertinent to yours.

And in the true fashion of circular diversion, a term I made up not too long ago that may or may not actually be real but its real to me, here we are back at;

I thought I had writer’s block.

Because I have thought nothing about the things I normally think that end up in my writing.  Not nothing, just not enough to make it moldable.   Not the Mental Moments, the deeper thoughts, the sometimes painful, sometimes silly, philosophical musings that I have been able to look at my feelings, work them around a bit, and come up with words.

It was starting to bother me.  I had a rather scary moment wherein I realized this is happening because my thoughts have been…elsewhere.  A new door, that was long closed has been opened and I have found much of my energy focused there and not on explaining the mysteries of life and ..stuff.

It isn’t that I have lost interest in the mysteries of life and… stuff, or that I have any less need or drive to understand, it’s that the energy I put into it, is being spread out amongst other things that have been added to the parameters of my existence.

I like that.

But I haven’t been able to write.  And when I faced the issue at hand and looked fear in the face, I was more afraid that to have one, (what has preoccupied me) I would have to lose the other (writing) .

I realized that it’s not a block because I have nothing to say, that my mind has emptied of all its ponderables,  it’s mostly because …  the stuff I am thinking about lately, for one, makes me blush,  and for two, it’s a little bit about fear.

I was discussing this with my Koala Fish  (yes, Koala Fish speak and, this is the one in a million part – the Koala Fish I mean  🙂  )  He said “write about your writers block”

Sounds simple folks but it was profound.  It is profound.  I thought my heart was going to explode. I think he is pretty aware what my writer’s block is about, maybe not all of it…  the focus of it..

To write about my writers block I have to think about some things I have learned and expressed, previously.

Everything we do is a search for the answer, every destination we reach is preceded by the journey, the journey is often times the truly important part of the whole big picture.  The destination being when we have learned the proper lessons and brought balance back to our energy.

 The journey is unsettlingg but doesn’t have to be lonely or dark, or even painful, although some are, which makes the destination not more important, just more satisfying because with it comes.. the peace we so long for.

When we reach a destination, we should pick another, a goal, a new place to go.  Becoming placated in our state of being causes…  well that I don’t know because I have yet to arrive at that state of  it.

I reached a destination of understanding who I am, within the parameters of my being,  my spirit, my energy and my illness.  I still have the same understanding I have just added a new..goal, focus, something to contemplate and put my energy towards.  A new destination, if you will.

I have not lost anything that I have learned, I am just ..adding to it.  And I have been a little afraid to write about it.

My writers block was fear.  Fear of being hurt.  Fear of being revealed..

I know funny kinda huh, after some of the things I have revealed right here on this blog.

Fear of ..rejection. Rejection of the person I have worked so hard to understand, of who I am.

Fear, that the tenuous grasp I have on understanding the meaning of my life, of finding my purpose, of renewing my hopes,will be dashed onto the cliffs of insanity, the pieces, if recovered not able to ever be put back together.  If they were, never as wonderful as where they all fit now.

Fear is my enemy, the enemy of us all.   Fear will take something that could be wonderful, amazing,  inspirational, fulfilling, everything we want, and ruin it. Just. like. that.  If you let it.

Fear has always been my trigger, and with the writer’s block, I have had some severe highs and lows recently too.  That’s my illness but I can deal with that pretty good now.  Mostly because I recognize when I get tripped up and it starts handling me, rather than me managing it, (and because I have some great support in people who have ..chosen to be there for me.)   it’s because I am afraid,  Then I just, rubber, glue, nanny nanny boo boo them and…yea…

But the things I have been afraid of to get to the point of balance and contentment, were self-controlled.

Now I am afraid of something, someone, outside of myself.  The unknown.  And I have two choices.

Live in Fear.  Hide my authentic self, play games. over analyze something I have no control over, be afraid of being hurt and live every minute protecting the fortress of my already battered and bruised heart and significantly cracked mind.

Or just be me.

It all comes back to that.  Every single time.  I have no malicious intents, I have no demanding expectations.  I am not good at hiding my heart, my head, me.  When I have tried in the past, when I have given into fear in the past, it has been … bad.  When you approach life in fear, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It goes back to the big question of giving up your nature, to achieve safety.  Should I change who I am… trusting, exuberant, slightly ..ok a lot gullible…  let’s see…up there on the right the list of words that describe…  self revealing, strange…lol.  I did not make them up myself, they came from a psychological test I took  ( a real one) and it is a list of some of the trait values that can be attributed to who I am.  Just some.

Self revealing yes, but I still have pieces of me that very few will ever see.  I know what they are and who sees them now.  Feeling like letting someone else have the chance to know them, me…and in return being a part them…  it’s always scary but its better than never taking that chance.

Adding someone,  to your journey with no particular destination in mind, is ok.  Or maybe I just think so because there is no room for disappointment.  I am working on this one, I think it might be hooey bunk, disappointment is there even without an end goal…  more on that later I guess..

Having the hiccup of redirecting energy is not such a bad thing.  If I remember what I have learned, be true to that and be my authentic self.  It’s not about changing the energy and thoughts for someone else, it’s about redirecting it, them, to include someone else.

I have learned to be ok with myself.  I have learned the difference between solitude and loneliness.  I have learned that I am still me when I am only me.  And so  with these very deeply important lessons in mind, it’s about trusting myself and someone else to the point of knowing, no matter what, who I am and that the other person will take me as such, rather than someone I can never be.  

A couple more facts about the Koala Fish that I have learned since ..interacting with my Koala Fish,  The Koala Fish is a Seeker, looking for answers, open to possibilities and intent on the journey.  One in a million, isn’t even fair, one ..in a lifetime might work better.   Rare, special…  and still an eyeful to admire..  (what? just saying)

Everything about the Koala Fish says, let’s see where this path leads, the destination not so important as the steps taken to get there.

Maddening on levels that… I don’t need to reveal now, or here.

Intriguing to the point of wanting to explore any given path, willingly.  Definitely worth the redirection of energy.   Even the writers block.

Would I give up writing for the Koala Fish?

I don’t have to.  Write about my writers block he said.  Koala Fish also has magical healing powers….

Ok Mr Koala Fish.  Let’s see where that takes us…    Silly Fish..  

Related articles

• Life’s Detours, Their Blessings and Lessons (notinindia2012.wordpress.com)
• Resources for Overcoming Writer’s Block (writinghood.com)
• I’m on overload. (calibamamom.wordpress.com)
• Writer’s Block and the Shamanic Narrative Workshop (paganwriters.com)
• You become your thoughts, so discern EVERYTHING (michellesantos.wordpress.com)