Change sucks  But it is inevitable.   A part of life.   If nothing changed, life would suck – which one would suck more?

It always seems to come when you don’t want it to.  When you are the age you want to be or in the relationship that you feel like you can be happy with forever.  The moments of blissful happiness are only fleeting because they will not last forever.  Things change.

But if you were in blissful happiness all the time, would you still be happy all the time?

Growth is not possible without change.  Physically and mentally. Physical growth is part of life, even after we reach our mature adult stature, our noses and ears and waistlines grow with no effort on our part.  Mentally,  to grow, you have to change how you think.  Sometimes that kind of growth takes a lot of effort, sometimes it just dawns on you that there is a different way to think about something and you change how you view the world, you grow without even trying.  I can’t think of a change in thinking that causes a step backward.

I don’t do well with change.  Change that I am not expecting can paralyze me and I find myself feeling anxious and afraid.  Which snowballs into cranky and sometimes into unmanageable bipolar bottomless pit with no hand holds and no light on the distant horizon.

Change that I am expecting often limits me because I put much of my mental effort into accepting that on whatever the time frame is, something will be different whether I want it to or not.  I have learned that it happens no matter what I want.  So it is just best to go with it.  Sometimes it takes change that you don’t want, that you think is bad, that puts you where you don’t want to be, that gets you to a better place.

Why go kicking and screaming?

Ok it all sounds good and enlightened.  It makes sense.  Right?  

Shouldn’t that be a life law?  Something like; If life pays you in lemons, smile and make change…

When you are in a bad situation, the only way out is to change it.  Nothing changes if nothing changes.  And sometimes the change you have to make is worse than where you are at so you hesitate and balk and … nothing changes.  But I have learned that if you jump in cannonball style, it may get worse before it gets better but you know what?  It gets better…  always.  The only thing that stops it from getting better,  is not changing.

One of the things I hear so often as a gentle reminder when depression hits and it seems like there is nothing good is that things will not always be like this.  It may take a while sure but they will change.  And that is a good thing.

I learned this lesson, the one about cannonballing into change even if its worse than where you are, the hard way.  I got pushed.  One day I was strolling through life with a good idea of where I was headed and who with and where we would end up.  Sure, there were things that needed fixing, CHANGING, attention that kind of thing.

Normal stufflike getting him to put the damn toilet seat down at night so I wouldn’t end up ass submerged in the cold toilet water because I stumbled in bleary eyed and with unquestioning trust sat down to do my business.  Little things.

And the next day, it was FEBRUARY 25TH 2011 not that the date is forever etched in my head like the birth of my kids.  Not like my wedding and divorce dates – oh wait I forgot those – or the day my grandpa died…not like that.  Ok, yea.  Just like that.  The next day everything changed.   And I didn’t want it and I fought it and I cried and raged and screamed and cried some more.  I grieved.  I was left in a terrible position, no idea where to turn, where to go, so how could i have any idea how to get here.

But here I am.  This last week has brought a lot of change that I have wanted.  Change that I hoped by accepting the things I didn’t want, by letting go and going with it would bring me to where I am.  Like riding the current of a river it has been a much easier thing then trying to swim upstream and I have added things back into my life a little at a time that make me happy, that I feel good about.  I still have a long way to go and along the way some of the things that make me happy, may change again.

I have been gone from here for almost a week.  And I miss it.   I took a week off not because I wanted to but because while floating with the current, change came again and I had to adjust to it once more.  I will probably write about all of that later but for now I have adjusted and am making sure that the changes don’t have me losing what I have found already.

And I am again thinking about the normal stuff,  like remembering to close the toilet lid so that the kitten doesn’t fall in when he jumps up to investigate like he has done twice already.  Little things

I know that those of you that know me are waiting to hear so I will tell you this;

My Beautiful Grandson – was born on January 12, 2012 at 7:12 pm and weighed 7 lbs 13 oz.  I was there when he came into the world and I am absolutely over the moon in love with him.  

Change is hard but it has to be.  Without it, life would be ….  well life wouldn’t be .  The moments of blissful happiness are that because they aren’t forever.  And neither are the times of sadness.  It’s the change that makes them as they are.  And then as they were.

Next time you get something you don’t want – or are in a place you don’t want to be – just take a deep breath and ask;  Can I get change for this?

And then just let go.

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