Lamentations of a Dick Magnet

English: Illustration of "The Mouse the B...

No..not that kind of dick..  Dick as in jerk, loser, low self-esteem boob that needs to exert control over another just to feel ok about themselves.

How does that work anyway? How do you feel better treating someone else like shit.  How do you say you love someone and then treat them like dirt?  And feel good about yourself?

Anyone?  

Boy I sure can pick them.  Narcissist, wife beater,  Rage-a-holic.  I have attracted and been a toy for all three at one point or another.  I’ll keep it simple and won’t elaborate on that.  Or them.  It’s the tip of the iceberg and they are hardly the point.

I am.

I am not statisticallylikely to be a victim to that type of man.  To be stupid enough to fall for the bullshit that spews from their twisted brains.  And yet, I have.  Time and again.  I am a strong, intelligent woman from a family of strong, intelligent women. I am putting part of the blame on Grimm’s Fairy Tales and Disney but the rest can only be my fault…

Grimm's Fairy Tales
Happily ever after but only with a man my ass

We teach people how to treat us right?  That must be somewhat different from the Golden Rule of Do unto Others.

It has to be because how else would you explain that when I love with all my heart, when I allow someone into my life, when I care so very deeply, I get in return…Shit.  Hurt.  Betrayal.  Lies.

Crushed.

When I forgave did I teach that I will allow it?

When I loved unconditionally did I teach you to  judge and ridicule  me?

When I said I wanted to not be alone did I teach you to threaten me with leaving every chance you get?

When I did not intervene with your choices because you are an adult and have free will did I  teach you to treat me like a child incapable of making a good decision?

When I shared the things that trigger the worst of my illness, humbly accepting your help, something so very hard for me,  did I teach you how to drive me crazy?

When I was honest, did I teach you to lie to me?

When I was faithful did I teach you to cheat on me?

Do we not learn by example?

Maybe I taught but I didn’t deserve the treatment I got.

The next man who is a romantic interest that tells me my gullible nature is cute and endearing will be seeing my backside going out his door so fast his head will spin.  And I have come to the conclusion that it is that which is the big red neon sign flashing over my head that draws the Dicks like moths to a flame.

Hey you Dick!  I am GULLIBLE – take advantage of me NOW!  

and then the fine print – (hurry this one won’t be out long, she’s a catch and will get scooped up by the first dick that sees her)   

I kinda wish I was talking about the other kinda dicks now.

The last dick I was with made a mistake though.  He assumed gullible meant stupid.  He thought forgiving meant weak.  He figured unconditional loving made me a sucker.  He thought he deserved to be treated like a responsible adult and  his destructive behaviors, as well as me, were all under control.

He thought he could call me names and accuse me of things I did not do and I would just take it.  I did for a while but OOPS!

Just a little miscalculation.  His loss.

It wasn’t always like that.  He was a dick no doubt but there was a golden shining time when all was well,  When he loved me and I him and we were making a life together that was decent and had the potential to be all that we wanted.  And even a time after that we were best of friends.  Recent events have returned him to  Dick status though.  Not five minutes ago recent.  In relation to the rest of my life, recent. .  He  just couldn’t quite shake it.   Being a Dick.

I am on the upswing of being back to me.  And as me, I am still loving and caring and respectful and gullible and sweet.  Still compassionate.  What I am not is spineless and I am not a victim and I am not going to tolerate a man who does not consider me his equal in a relationship.

Those of you guys that are thinking –  what a ball breaking bitch – maybe you should take a moment to reflect.  

This is a "thought bubble". It is an...
what a ball buster! Hey am I a dick?

 I have been contemplative today.  Lonely.  I don’t care to put myself out there to meet anyone or come out of my solitude.  I guess I know why but I still am not going to risk it for a while.

Except I don’t understand why they are drawn to me.  I don’t understand how they can be so conniving and scheme and plot to suck the very soul out of a woman and then leave an empty shell, a shadow of her former self behind.

As far as romantically, it was a boy, on the verge of manhood yes, but still a boy who set the standard and showed me how I deserve to be treated, how a relationship should be. I know he was right, I deserve love and respect,  to have a best friend and a soft place to fall.  He put the bar up high and I have yet to find a man who can even touch it.

The last one came pretty damn close, but he chickened out in the end.  He  clung to his dickishness and bailed when it counted.

Of course the problem is that I couldn’t  have known that then.  About the standard and the bar and the boy.  It was years ago.  We were young, thinking we were already growing old and I just took it for granted that every man who was romantically interested in me would appreciate what I brought to the table beyond my trusting nature and forgiving heart making me a good punching bag.   Would treat me with respect.

A lifetime later after being the main attraction for Dicks everywhere, I know that I was lucky to have him so that I know where I need to be next time I get into a relationship.

I am a gift.  I am worthy and beautiful and worth a man’s undying love and devotion.  I do not need to settle for someone who wants to crush my spirit and deny my right to be me.  My illness does not make me unlovable or impossible.

I am smart enough, I am pretty enough and gosh darn it – If you are a Dick looking for an easy target – back the fuck off, I am much more than gullible.  If you are only looking for that, then go somewhere else.   My heart has had enough, more than one girl deserves I think.

The sign flashing above my head is misleading  just like you Mr. Dick.  I won’t give in so easily,  and the next Dick that tries to screw up my life will most likely end up with a frying pan upside the head.  Or worse. 

Just saying…   

Me and My Dick (soundtrack)

 

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