A major gigantic pain in my ass.

Really it can be but that is not what  I meant to say.  Sometimes I just can’t help but say silly things like that.  It is a pain.  It is a lot of things.  It is something that is on my mind today, everyday. 

The first few posts of this blog, my pet project, my pride and joy,  had love all over them.  Fudgesicles for Breakfast,  and Humbled by Underpants are really the two that stand out in my mind.  I know there are more.  I can honestly say the whole thing, every word  is about love.  It is how I have come to love myself. 

To accept myself, my life, my loss, my illness  and embrace my quirky  coolness.   It is how I have discovered that I am smart enough, I am funny enough and gosh darn it, people like love me.

I think it has helped me say I love you to those I love.  And let them understand me better and see how I tick.  What peace at 42. 

So lately I have been a bit cynical, a bit angry and even though I know the posts that blatantly reflect that also started with love – oh boy did they – .  My new-found acceptance of life as I now know it, not as it was, has let me release the overall sense of pissed off beyond all ability to give a shit about much.  That’s cool.  It feels good to be me right at the moment. 

 Ok I have to pee and would love a cup of coffee and I am unclear on how the hell it got to be the end of November – oh wait the beginning of December already.  Just a minute ago it was February 25th.   Then it was May and June, then September.  In an overall inventory of Me though I am doing pretty damn good.  Thank you.

I can’t imagine a life without love.  I try to.  Really really hard.  I shut my eyes and concentrate and wish it away or myself to a nice padded room with a  window to the sky.  I think that life would be easier without it  or if you only were granted access at certain levels.  For different types. 

To get to Romantic Love you really should have to give blood and urine samples, take a 847,444 question test,  perform several challenges proficiently.  With a smile.  Not a fake photo smile,  A real genuine, loving smile. 

Start with  –

• not cheating on Candyland and progress to…
• sit still for 5 minutes while Manic and agitated,  
• stay up and moving for 20 minutes when depressed. 
•  Have no idea what the hell to do for at least an hour while both.  Yeah both.  Mixed and it’s tough let me tell you. 

Then after those are mastered, do them again with no cell phone – which means no power texting.   It’s a great stress reliever when you just can’t say no to being a pain in the ass.    I am more of a pain in the ass without it when I am any of the above so requiring another run through of all the above without that – whew tough.  Not just for me so I guess those affected could get bonus points towards their own Certificate of Proficiency. 

You wouldn’t be able to join eharmony.com or Plenty of Fish or any site designed for the purpose of  meeting your love match, soul mate, next nice dinner out etc unless you could produce the Certificate. 

 If  love were like that those sites would actually be really for those things – maybe not so much the dinner unless it came with a declaration of undying devotion – instead of what they actually are.  I won’t tell you my thoughts on this – not now anyways.  Rest assured you will hear from me at some point.  I have an opinion and I know you are just dying to hear it.   But that isn’t for a post about Love. 

And if I lost you, that is the topic of today.  Love.  It seems to have formed itself into Romantic Love.  That’s cool because I can talk about the warm fuzzies of other kinds of  love later as well.  Now I have two more topics and I just love it when my mind trips down unbeaten paths and opens new doors. 

There should be great sacrifice required before we can achieve the ultimate prize of Love for another in a romantic way.   Um wait – ok well then there should at least be extra credit points given for it.  And security should be added as a lifeline. 

Really we do go through levels and challenges to have Romantic Love .  

• Dating,
• Lust,
• Friendship,
• Mind Games (the totally like me but don’t call me because…. game being great fun)
•  Lust,
• Desire,
• Sex,
• No Sex,
• More Sex,
• Commitment,
• Boredom,
• Drama,
•  Need,
• Lust – I might have said that already, 
• tragedy,
• Higher Commitment (this is where Marriage can be substituted)
• Intimacy – not to be confused as just sex or nakedness –
• Acceptance, 
• Bliss, and then
• Deep Abiding Romantic Lifelong Love. 

Enough of that.  I am just talking out my ass again anyways.  If I head out to left field then I will have to rename this post and what nuts and annoyance to start one way and finish another that wasn’t even in the realm of  possibility when I started. 

 Huh, that’s kind of like life.  Like love. 

I have a list of what Love is, to me anyways.  Seeing as how we have come to focus on Romantic Love, I did edit it to be  Romantic Love is…   but that sounds hokey, sappy even, so I am just going to say Love.   

Without further ado and with minimal fanfare here it is folks.

Love is;

• warm fuzzies
• loyal
• kind
• everything
• nothing
• passion
• safety
• soft warm blankets
• revealing
• unwavering
• the one who would live with you in a cardboard box
• chasing away the darkness
• the comfort in silence
• trusting  someone else with your life
• blind faith
• pooping while he shaves
• applying makeup while he poops
• someone asking if you are ok and rubbing your back while you say hello to the toilet bowl and returning the favor without losing your lunch
• what turns physical acts into spiritual fulfillment
• more than life
• bigger x infinity +1
• patiently waiting
• a private joke
• a shared look
• misleading
• holding hands
• coffee in the morning and a coffee cake just because
• keeping promises
• your biggest fan
• not just our song – our songs
• a traveling buddy for The Long Trip
• holding on tightly
• letting go

It occurs to me as I close this page, that Bipolar Disorder, being a mood disorder, actually is a Love disorder.  Being capable of enormously fierce love, given with all my heart and everything I have, and in turn being rejected and denied what I so freely give just because I am Bipolar, in my mind qualifies for certain.  But looking at it like that,  I am not really the one with the problem. 

That being said, as hard as I try I can’t really imagine life without love.  There are so many ways to love that a list can not even begin to cover it. 

Love….just is.