My Mean Streak is back.

By popular demand and just because I like to indulge it occasionally.   Today wasn’t it’s scheduled day but as I lay in bed this morning I found my thoughts wandering all over the place and I had this sudden urge to jump on here and post an aside – a short post that can be just a simple thought or statement – that said;

Just because I have 6 kids does not mean you know what I like to do in my spare time. 

I was going to of course elaborate a bit further and I will get to that as it is quite pertinent to today’s lesson.  As to where that thought came from or why it suddenly popped in my head at some ungodly hour of the morning thereby getting my blood in a bubble, I could not begin to surmise.
 

What I did think, because  I have learned to stop and think about things before going with my first impulse, is that this is a perfect example of ( and therefore good reason to rouse into action) my Mean Streak.   So instead of posting an inane aside that came out of no where, I convinced my Mean Streak that it is a good day to impart  the wisdom of it’s existence.  Honestly it wasn’t very nice at first, Meany likes to sleep late but I soothed and cajoled and I think it finally agreed because this is a great chance for my Mean Streak to show it has an awesome sense of humor.  I made some coffee and here we are.  So glad you could join make it on such short notice.

 Today’s lesson is Humor as a Weapon.  Or, how to successfully utilize a sense of humor when your mean streak is fighting back.   

I notice as I get older, or bolder, that my Mean Streak is losing patience and whereas it used to be shy and withdrawn, hanging out in my mind for the most part, it has been quite insistent on announcing it’s presence with authority lately.  That is a good quality to master if you want your mean streak to ever be taken seriously.  If you can pull that one off then it doesn’t matter if it’s all talk and no action because the perception of meany meaness is really the important thing.   That is another lesson for another day but it will be soon because it’s a basic. 

Ok, if you need to pee or get water, do it now.  I don’t plan on keeping you the entire hour today.  What I plan doesn’t mean much as I change directions easily but if I get to going on, we can have another pee break and possibly some doughnuts.   Also feel free to have your coffe or  soda or whatever. 

I have noticed over the course of my life that people, in the pursuit of their curiousity can be nosy and insensitive.  Have you ever had someone ask you a question or made a statement that;

1. They have no business asking because it is not, even by a long shot, any of their business.  OR
2. They have no business saying because they know nothing about you.  Sometimes that even includes your name.  OR
3. They are just stupid.  Not to be confused with ignorant although this type of behavior can be classified as ignorant stupididty.  (this isn’t really a description of the question or statement itself but of the idiots who have the nerve to utter it so yes I know it sticks out like a turd in a punch bowl in this list but that is the way I want it.)   And LASTLY
4. Causes you to stand there mouth slightly ajar as you contemplate if you were just zinged by a passive agressive remark or how to respond to a nosy blatant dig for information that you have no intention of discussing by someone you can not fathom would think they should be privy to the intricacies, intimacies closet skeletons, or anthing at all about your life. 

If any of you are wondering why ,being that by all examples said person of the nosy nebbiness is not in anyway someone you even need to be nice to, your Mean Streak should get involved anymore than to say… None of your F***in business..  I am going to tell you. 

It is a hell of a lot more fun to mess with these people than it is to tell them to buzz off.  True story.  I have done it both ways and gee, I just got so much more satisfaction from being creative and letting my mean streak have some fun.  Years later I can still laugh and if I am feeling kinda meany mean, just remembering can make my Mean Streak much more agreeable.  And not so loud. 

Basically the objective here is to learn how to put people in their place, in a humorous way that the worst damage done is to make them feel stupid.  And usually they are so no real harm done at all.  It is of course arguable whether you can MAKE anyone do or feel anything.  And I must point this out because I tell The Gaggle that all the time so that they learn to be personally accountable for their actions and feelings instead of blaming others for causing them. 

It is a whole other lesson, again basic and immensely important.   Not a topic for the Mean Streak because it detracts from it’s power.   It is good to keep in mind though so that your Mean Streak does not get carried away and full of itself.  Then things can start to get hairy.

If I do not acknowledge that I am using verbage that directly contradicts my beliefs I would most certainly hear only that you can not MAKE anybody feel (or do) anything, from anyone of them,right down to the almost 5 yo.  He probably won’t be included in today’s demonstration, nor the 7 yo but someday this will be useful information. 

By the time that happens I will be too tired to talk so I am going to save all these lessons into a workbook.  If they were to notice only that I contradicted myself and therby become confused, then they will be missing the whole beautiful funny point.  And if any of my kids can master this art and successfully deliver on it  I will be immensely proud and feel accomplished as a parent for that brief shining moment.   I have much faith that they are all smart enough and capable if kept on task. So I point it out to make sure they do not get mired in details of little consequence to the end goal. 

I think you get the idea that we are going to respond to idiotic inquiries and / or statements with humor so I will just give you a few examples to start off with.   The best place to start is what started this post today.

This is a perfect example of a statement that is stupidly made and believed even though it’s just, well…stupid. 

Believe it or not, when I tell people I have 6 kids the response I get is, I dunno, stupid would be redundant, so ignorant or ballsy even.  Not ballsy in a good strong way.  Ballsy in a wow you really said that?  And although I am putting it in quotes, it is paraphrased and you can’t imagine all the different ways this can be said.  Or maybe you can but ok….

You have 6 kids?  Well we know what you like to do in your spare time.

My first response is of course the mouth ajar stunned (not greatly just a bit) and then I want to say something to the effect of

how could you possibly know anything about me you don’t even know my name,

 then

 that’s really beside the point what gives you the right to assume that I ……. make a hobby out of it. 

BUT that doesn’t get anything across to them.  They just laugh thinking they are clever.  In otherwords, they have acted stupidly and gotten away with it leaving me feeling a little wonky and icky for the fact I couldn’t put them in their place sufficiently.  So I let my mean streak get a good laugh and come out to play for a minute and instead of the above, I say 

what do you mean?  Are you trying to say… just because I have 6 kids my hobby is ..is… sex  (if you ae speaking to the offender saying sex in a hushed tone of voice is good impact)  I will have you know that I have only had sex 7 times in my entire life.  I can’t believe you would just…  Geesh.

I can tell by your rapt attention I don’t even need to elaborate.  You see the difference?  And you know what the inevitable answer is?  Do ya?  muahahahaaha (that’s the meany in me laughing)

Really? uh wow, I’m sorry 7 times? That’s IT ?

Yeah dumbass that’s it for you.  It gets more fun the older I get.  I mean 7 times at 30 years old is kinda a stretch but at 42?  And anybody that knows me, well they just laugh until they pee themselves. 

Example  2 is a great example of questions that are asked by strangers or barely aquatances and the answer that makes my Mean Streak giggle.

My 18 yo was born in Panama while I was stationed there in the Army.  She is of mixed race and I was married to a man who was clearly not her biological father.  But in every other sense of the word he was and is.  

You would not believe how many complete strangers would ask me why she was brown.  Usually just like that but sometimes in a more complicated sly way to try to find out the big soap opera of my life as if its their business.    After the first couple times and being an open and um… nice person,  not wanting to offend the asker (yeah I had it all mixed up then) even though I was offended myself, trying to explain I finally had enough.  I was in disbelief that anyone would be so nosy and rude.  My mother didnt raise me that way why did theirs?  They didn’t deserve to know anything about me or my child. 

The next time it happened I looked the person square in the eyes and said

Oh she was born in Panama, all babies born there are brown there is something in the water.

And again the answer was

Really? 

O joy.  What fun.  So much better than stewing, I actuallystarted to hope someone would ask…

Example 3 is a passive- agressive zinger that just BEGS for a comeback.  A comeback flipped out in anger or surprise is often followed by the thought of wanting to say more.  The problem with the passive agressive zinger is that it is cleverly disguised and if you try to take offense, you appear to be the shallow stupid one.  This is the finest of the art form here folks.  To zing back in a humorous way. 

Current spouse of ex telling the story of how she and he came to be..to the ex.

He always said I was different and not like the other girls.  He said I was special.  That he loved me more than anyof them and  I know he told me the truth cause I have seen the girls he has been with.

Ok wow.  That was a slam cleverly disguised as  – I don’t even know but innocent comment might work.  The first impulse response would be;

Ya know what…  not printable but along the lines of  Bitch please – something or other. 

 Which would just have been followed by sad questioning eyes and admonitions that nothing was said wrong.  which just makes it all escalate into a big mess of stupidness and zinged feelings. 

The proper response going by our objective is :

Oh yeah I see what you mean.  You ARE special Sunshine.  Hey did you ever ride a short bus? 

Allright I know I am running close to out of time and you all have places to be.  I hope that the examples clearly demonstrated the effectiveness of this technique.  It deals with the person offending and also lets you have some satisfaction instead of feeling  like you have been judged and found lackingby someone who should never be judging you  

Any questions?  Personal questions  are fine just not asked stupidly.  Cause my Mean Streak is wound up and ready to go. 

Class dismissed.