I have mad skills in the mean department. Today’s lesson is called  The Proper Delivery of the Passive Aggressive Face Mush. I am going to impart – for free I might add – techniques I have successfully mastered to pull off this insult without detection of ill intent.  It is an extremely satisfying stress reliever for the musher as well, so beneficial all around.

In theory at least. The fact I have never actually done it should not detract from the value of the  lesson.

Let us get to it then.

Have you ever just been to a point with someone who you are frustrated beyond all stretch of the imagination at their inability to get it?  Have you ever tried as hard as you could to not detest someone and it just won’t work?  I don’t hate people.  I am almost always able to find good in anyone and if not be all gushy about them at least tolerate them.  I am not used to feeling the wretchedness that comes with hatred.  In fact, I don’t need all five fingers on one hand to count the number of people who have reduced me to such discomfort .

I am going to do something here that I rarely do.  And never publicly but there is a great time for a first time for everything.

I am going to indulge my mean streak.

Yes, I have one.  We all do.  My mean streak is basically harmless.  It talks a lot of smack and doesn’t back it up

Which should not be mistaken for weak.  The strength of my mean streak is that it knows right from wrong and it knows how far to push it.  I have yet to cross the line into the reality of a mean thought for the sake of being mean.  What’s the fun of that?  I don’t need to belittle someone to make myself feel better so if I do any belittling it is in my head and that is usually where it stays.  I do tend to share my meaner side with a trusted few usually at a time when they need some meanness and can’t summon the courage to reveal their dark mean thoughts. Or when I do.  I freely acknowledge my meanest mean side only to well… no one

So what, I have a mean streak. I also have an amazing amount of empathy and compassion and those trump meanness all day long. Meanness will never win the rock paper scissors game with those two.

My meanness does not come out to play and single someone out in pettiness, for self inflation or elevation or out of just plain spite.  If it even tries, empathy and/or compassion will smack it down so fast and hard that I may not find it again for a week or two.

I won’t be mean to a fat person just because they are fat

or a stupid person because they are stupid

never to a person with an anomaly that they are either not responsible for or unable to change

or to a weak pathetic spineless, stuck in victim-role, clueless, codependent, enabling, dish rag doormat just because I can.

The thing is that I am capable of laughing at my own shortcomings. Of poking fun at myself because I know I have no ill intent and it is all in good fun.  I tend to forget that others are not so easily aware of my intent or accepting of their own quirks.  Sometimes I may poke a little fun and there is no meanness involved.  It’s just fun.  I took a personality test my shrink gave me and one of the (many many ) traits it listed for me was, and I kid you not, likes to make fun of people.  It didn’t say mean, hateful, spiteful, or anything similar.  I really don’t have a mean bone in my body.  it’s just a little streak.

The fact I have a mean streak and am capable of mean thoughts does not make me a Meany . I am overall and above all else a kind, caring and thoughtful person with a good heart. I am not just making that up either by the way. I have it on good authority and from trusted sources who prefer to remain anonymous. I am considerate of other’s feelings and even when my mean streak is itching to get in good wallop, regardless of my dislike of the person it is aimed at, I will still put on the brakes because nobody deserves to be put down and stomped on.

The difference between poking fun good-naturedly and just plain meanness is often sarcasm.  Wait, not just sarcasm.  Biting sarcasm.  Sarcasm is fun when used properly.  Biting sarcasm is mean.  Sarcasm delivered improperly can be the meanest nastiest thing you have been exposed to.  Sarcasm is great power Grasshopper and with great power comes great responsibility. (thank you  Spider Man’s Uncle Ben. A wise man indeed)

Biting sarcasm is passive aggressive.  It is mean without the deliverer having to take responsibility of the ill intent behind it.  It is an insult disguised as a compliment or care.  It leaves the person on the receiving end feeling slightly off, uncomfortable or just plain sick to their stomach.  This kind of sarcasm is gas lighting at its finest.  Insult someone and then make them think they are going crazy because they took it as such and tried to call you on it.

Before deciding that the passive-aggressive face mush is the proper choice of skill ask yourself the following;

1. Does the target piss you off, frustrate you or is just someone who try as hard as you can you can not like.  You just need to know this part so that after the act is accomplished and you have possible bad feelings you don’t have to figure it out then.
2. Is the passive aggressive method the right choice or is it feasible to perform The Outright Arrggghhh  Face Mush?  If you are in a position where the repercussions for walking up to someone and blatantly mushing their face would be unacceptable or where you have to live with them, passive aggressive is the way to go.
3. Will you later be able to not beat yourself up over it and accept that you did a mean thing?  If not.  DO NOT ATTEMPT.  However, the passive aggressive part of the act lends to you getting away with it without having to admit you did it on purpose so if it is only that you can’t live with yourself if you are caught, proceed but with caution.  Pay attention and most likely you will not have to acknowledge anything.
4. Are you at the point that if you don’t find some release for the bad feelings, it will start affecting your health and well-being.  and have you tried other avenues to achieve this end?

If you answered any of the above questions then we are ready to proceed.

There are three basic techniques that I will cover.  Once you master them you can mix and match or get creative and come up with your own.  The key is to make it appear accidental. 

1. Oops I tripped. – Fairly self-explanatory .  The skill comes in the delivery.  You have to make the trip believable and the Mushee’s face has to be a reasonable target for you to grab for to save yourself.  Falling from above is by far the best approach for example on the steps and your target is below looking up.
2. You have something on Your Cheek.  This one is best as a one-handed mush.  But the trade-off is if you tell them there is a smudge on their cheek, you can lick you’re your thumb, get it good and wet.
3. The Flailing Arm. – Pretend to sneeze or cough really hard and throw your arm out as you do.  Mushee must be close and this is a quickie because you can only mush as you make contact then quickly withdraw.  If you can fake a sneeze hard enough to permit two hands, go for it.

Performing the Passive Aggressive Face Mush does not make you a passive aggressive person. And it does not make you a mean person.  In fact it lends to the fact that you are not mean at all because you are being considerate to the Mushee by not forcing them to acknowledge their own deficiencies outright.  Just fed up.  Thinking about it just proves you have a little mean streak and that isn’t really a bad thing if you control it.

One thing I will add about my mean streak since we have a minute or two left. If you hurt my kids in any way or mess with my family or people I care about, all bets are off.  Empathy and compassion I assure you will not get in the way and all the meanness of the meanest part of my mean streak will come for you with all the fury of the worst shit storm you have ever imagined.  I wouldn’t test me on that if I were you.

Class dismissed.