Size Does Matter

I don’t often feel mistreated  or disrespected.  I go about my life in my happy little bubble of blissful ignorance minding my business.   I have  a cut off for the amount of crap I will take just like everyone else but unlike most people, I was issued a Maximum Volume Shit Bucket.  I thought it was nifty when they gave it to me.  All the people ahead of me got teeny tiny ones.  I felt special that I get all this extra room.  And it’s red.

There are drawbacks to every good thing as I have learned in life.  Nothing is as good as it seems and there are two sides to every coin.  Blah blah blah.  Some people have such small volume buckets that the littlest amount of crap will fill it up and cause an instant overflow.  Or explosion depending on how you like to empty your bucket.  I have seen ones that are automatic emptiers.  It’s rare but the result is it never reaches maximum capacity and  never causes a noticeable reaction. It just has a flush mechanism that gets rid of the shit at various levels.  These kind of buckets were not available the day  I got mine.  I think they are actually upgrades, given to people who show they can handle a certain level of crap in a mature way.  It’s pretty rare to get one right off the bat. I am sure as with everything else there is a drawback to it but I haven’t seen it yet and the people who are the proud owners of these wonderful buckets that unload on a regular basis seem to be just way cool and exceptionally laid back.

I am kind of cool and pretty laid back.  I am not sure if that is why I got the bigger bucket or if the bigger bucket is what they issue people like me (you know, bipolar and stuff) who have more crap to deal with.  It is something I ponder but as yet, I do not have a well-formed hypothesis.  The outcome though is that I can not dump my shit on a regular basis.

As I said before the small volum buckets cause an almost instantaneous reaction.  There are a couple of mid level buckets that tend to have a longer delay and then there is mine.  You can fit a mid-size child in mine.  I know this for sure because once it was a mid- size child that filled it full.  Anyways, I go about my daily business and when my bucket is empty to low, I can take large amounts of crap in it at a time.  No problem and not a bother at all. Everyday a little more gets added and as the bucket gets fuller, I start to maybe take note of what kind of crap is getting thrown in my bucket.  One of the drawbacks to having a bucket this size, is that because it can hold so much, and it is not moved around, the stuff at the bottom starts to fester and bubble.  Stuff that crap does when it sits too long.  I am thinking maybe I should invent an agitation process  and thereby not ever get to the point of that completely stopped up feeling that you get when the shit just stops moving.

If a mental image would help to picture how I go along while my bucket fills, a volcano comes to mind.  Just sitting there minding it’s own business, so much so that people sometimes aren’t even aware of the fact that when they put their shit on it is in fact a living entity not a dead rock.  Which by the way probably isn’t the best choice of something to be ignorant of, you should know exactly what you are laying your shit on. And if you are going to throw it you better be damn sure you know where it is going and how much chosen target can take.

Anyways as a volcano awakens it starts to build pressure, and as the pressure becomes greater it may push out the sides of the volcano causing it to crack.  eventually the force of the pressure as we all know causes the volcano to explode.  If that doesn’t do it for you for imagery, The Gaggle ( a term of endearment for my sweet offspring for those of you joining us today)  has another description.  Keep in mind that they usually aren’t observant enough to see the subtle changes that occur as my bucket fills so to them there is no lead up like the pressure of the volcano.

They see me as easy-going, laid back mom until the moment of the big movement. And then they say my head pops up and starts spinning at an alarming rate, I begin speaking in tongues and anything and everything that is within my reach physically, mentally, emotionally gets covered in shit.  Repeatedly pelted until my bucket is empty.

So you see what I am saying about the drawbacks?  It’s good because day-to-day, I don’t have to empty my bucket, and bad because when I can’t hold it any longer, it’s a big stinking mess.

Today I noticed a crack in my butt and some steam coming out of my ears.  I am getting shit flung at me left and right and my bucket is nearly full.  I am just saying, so you can either buy tickets for the show – the 18 yo at the door will gladly take your money –  or get the hell out of the way.  

A plastic yellow bucket.

Image via Wikipedia

( This Blog made possible and brought to you by the Bigger Bucket.  Smaller Bucket was found unable to sustain this level of shit.  Size does matter. )

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3 responses to “Size Does Matter

  1. Pingback: I Owe This Nomination to 10th Grade Honors English Word of the Day (I Think)- Part 1 « Running Naked With Scissors·

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