Running naked with scissors may not seem like the smartest thing to do but done conscientiously and with purpose, it is a liberating experience. It describes my life before; willy nilly impulsive, crazy, unplanned and passively rebelious. And now. To me it has become a conscientious protest to the expectations that everyone should fit into a specific standard and to the stigma associated with having Bipolar Disorder.
I am a 42 year old single mother of 6 great kids all beautiful and unique. I am Bipolar and have always struggled to find my place and purpose in life. I have done a lot of things. I have been a lot of things. Most of my life before now, I followed the rules, trying to not make waves – although I did anyways. I felt like if I could just fit in, think the right things and do the right things, I would feel right, whole, accepted.
At some point I changed my perspective and I realized I only did what I did and believed what I believed because I was told what I was told.
After waking up and learning to be comfortable as me….unique quirky me..instead of always feeling like I had a wedgie and desperately wanting to yank it out, I wondered would any of my haphazrd life lessons be of value to anyone else trying to fit in .
Similar to the sense of relief that you get from getting over your fear that someone will see you picking your butt, and actually grabbing the damn wedgie, finally accepting that you are different (whether it’s mental illness, appearance, sexual preference, or any other gazillion things ) and that its ok……is priceless.
The struggle to create my own rules and standards has been hard but much better and a heck of a lot more fun than than trying to fit into everybody else’s. Learning to embrace being bipolar instead of feeling cursed along with the wisdom that comes from aging that surely is a common phenomenon, has freed me to be my true self, and not apologize for it.
Maybe I have something to say that will touch someone else, inspire them to be themselves. Maybe something I say will bring another person with Bipolar out of despair. Or help ease another Moms guilt at being a unconventional parent.
Maybe I will inspire. At the very least I will make some think, and some laugh, and some think and laugh.