Enough

There comes a time in just about everyone’s life, and yea I mean everyone, where we have had enough.  Enough being mistreated, abused, enough conceding our worth, of being asked to do this or that or whatever, just enough.

Everyone feels it.  Enough is whatever it is to that person and whatever they have as their experience of threshold of tolerance.  Enough is individual  but there are others whose enough is the same as ours. or the same as someone else’s.. If you, or you, or you have felt at the point of enough, someone somewhere, sometime has too.

No one’s pain or breaking point is less because it is less then what another can bear.  Everyone deserves to be validated if they say they are not going to make it through whatever, or they ask for help, there is no right standard of measure that makes one worth helping while another treated like an attention seeking whore, or whatever.

I have a mental illness.  That makes me special.. Ya know what?  that’s bullshit.  bipolar

I mean I am special no matter what, and so is every single human being on this shithole of a place we call home for the allotted time we are here.  Just because their life, my life, your life…is a gift.  We are blessed with the ability to do great things and we wallow in shit and point fingers and torture the weaker ones and I am sick of it.

I have had enough.

According to the rhetoric popular and politically correct in these enlightened times, I have every right to be able to ask for help and get it without even having to try and explain myself.  The truth and reality is that popular rhetoric is a bunch of crap and what I have  – does make things harder for me to do and bear and be, and I should have help when I need it but its all talk and no walk.

When faced with the reality of my chaotic shit storm and dysfunction, there is not many who step up and do what never should be questioned.  What is the point in the rhetoric if all we do is spout it in empty words and then turn on the very person who has the right to count on it and blame them for having the audacity to make anyone uncomfortable, or to mess up someone’s plans or to be selfish enough to ask for a hand doing something they can’t, or even think they cant do?

I am not in more need than someone who isn’t fucked in the head  just because my particular illness has a nice neat little label that we can use to explain away my existence and nonconformity, if they are in need, at their breaking point and ask for help. I don’t lord it above anyone ..or play well mine is more serious than yours so..there.  I don’t expect any different treatment than someone else because I have a serious mental illness…

I hate saying it, I always have, I feel conflicted about putting it anywhere yet I do because ..well not because it should grant me special passes to living with integrity, mindfulness and empathy, tolerance and fucking humanity for sure.  I don’t wave it in your face to get pity or special consideration, although there are those who think that is exactly what anyone who wants to talk about the pain they are in is really doing.

I talk about it, write about it because  I have a gift of being able to sometimes make it understandable to someone who will never feel it.  I try make it relatable to normal and explain it so that people like me and who have issues like me, people who need help, any kind of help, can not have to qualify their urgency by the words they use to describe it.

I speak of it and think on it and try to find answers and share because I want to make it better for everyone, I am willing to open myself up for scrutiny and study and even reveal my innermost and most shameful thoughts and feelings because, there is not point in denying them.  And there should be no reason to feel ashamed of them.  Or less than because we look at the world differently or don’t fit in or can’t get through a single day without something hurting so bad I want to say I have had enough.

Oh, I haven’t even started with the revelations, and the truth of it.  I have been on a journey I have taken my time getting here, I have tried to deny and tried to fit in and tried to not upend or disrupt anyone’s life to the point of making them uncomfortable, or having to deny my needs and my truths to validate someone else’s .

I am sick to death of the bullshit we want to believe, the bullshit we hang onto for dear life, saying over and over again, to be able to convince ourselves we are good people because we can say it.

Do It.  Or SHUT The FUCK UP.

Oh I am guilty too.  The difference between my own failing and that which has gotten me to the point of enough is a little word called accountabiltiy.

I am not a victim, except in the sense of being victim of others stupidity, ignorance and just plain lack of human decency.

This month has been comedy of errors, one after the other, all of which have left me dazed and confused and hurt.  Certainly I put myself in the position to be on the reciving end of the idiocy I have had to bear this past month.  I took the steps that put me in a place of less than desirable existance, but I did not anticipate the lengths that this position would afford those who assumed they knew my intentions, nor really deserve to be treated as if I deserved it all because of those false assumptions.

Those who made them. were of the mind that they could pass the buck, blame someone else, say they were sorry but they can’;t do anything to help and leave me to pick up the disaster of their mistake and lose time. money, and faith in the compassion of human beings for one another.

They don’t have to help, or take the blame. or fix their mistakes, they were only acting on the way most people who have been where I am, where I admittedly on one decision for sure took myself, on another, made the mistake of not ever thinking what happened, could, because I did what I was supposed to.

What is the matter with people anymore that they don;t listen to someone telling them their intentions and decide they know what the person in question is going to, or not going to do.?  What is the matter  with people who make the mistake and upon being shown proof of their error, instead of even the least possible way to amend anything, an apology, they still say tough shit ?

I have a lot of theories, one being they get away with it because no one speaks up and fights back, fearing as I do too, who would possibly believe something like this could happen, and I have much more to say about the companies who have put me in the position of being a victim, if only by my own lack of understanding of how truly low and despicable people can really be to each other, epsecially for the sake of a stupid dollar, or hundreds of them.

It is beyond my comprehension at this time still.

I just know I have had enough.

butterfliespurpleflit

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13 responses to “Enough

  1. Oh Lizzie you have been going through something and I am so sorry… I can identify with you not on the level of feeling your pain…. but just my own of sorts lately… and it is so hard when others don’t understand … take care my friend and don’t forget if you want to vent further… maybe we can commiserate …. my email is writerwannabe232@hotmail.com Diane

  2. What a truckload of hooey. I agree, have been there, would like to carry you for a while so I can fling the crap right back at them. It is like being stuck in the catwalk of a money cage. Ugh.

    Call me. I love you and have no intentions of taking advantage or making anything your fault. I love you.
    xxx

    • I love you too..and never would think that you would take advantage.. you are a part of my freedom.
      I would love to let you at the twats who …did I say that? Ooops.. well every interaction with them has ended with me nearly cryin with rage..then I get out my mental imagery..add you to the mix.. and I can laugh a little.. ok sometimes a lot. I’ve been very angry but not at you .. sorry you get the brunt of the fallout .. lotsa love and stuff.. i think you always will bring me back. <3

  3. Dearest Lizzie, Did you see “Network?” the famous line from that is “I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna take it anymore!” Fine for a script and an actor and director, but in real life I only rarely could push back at the oppressors. Not my fault, because I trusted. I’m not a victim either, but I need to divorce myself from certain situations and people and companies and while my inner life is in chaos it’s so difficult to do.
    I love you too. Sometimes feeling trapped is the reality, and hope it’s not you or anyone else who has to stay trapped for long. xoxoxoxox

  4. “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”

    It makes me sad that you have accepted the label given to you by a society which cannot accept true diversity. You seem incredibly sensitive, and this is a good thing. The problem with being sensitive in a world which is callous, selfish and mean is that you can make yourself feel guilty for telling those who are ‘unhealthy’ to fuck off. You want to please those around you and have them like you, but at the same time you see them act irrationally and in a self serving manner that boggles your mind, and when you pull them up on it they see you as the problem, and this in turn makes you turn on yourself and think the problem is with you.

    The hardest thing to do is to say ‘fuck off’ and not feel bad, because being sensitive you want the best for everyone, even at your own expense.

    Choose your fights, and know that you are a good person.

    By the way, I am basing this on your words- I don’t know you or anyone who knows you- you may just be an attention seeking drama-addict who blames everyone but themselves for the difficulties in your life, and your ‘mental health’ issues stem from the lies you weave around yourself to justify your self-absorbed behaviour, lies you know the truth to and won’t accept as it will destroy your fragile self perception.

    Either way- true freedom is to have the ability to destroy yourself, to live in denial of society and to live in the pursuit of death rather than in denial of it. Freedom is being able to say ‘fuck off’ and have no one judge or deny you, but to accept, and also accept if you ever want to come back. Just make sure you don’t make anyone elses life worse, and don’t force your opinions or what works for you on others. That’s freedom, and we have a long way to go to achieve it.

  5. Lizzie, I hope you know I love you! I miss your regular posts and when you aren’t around I worry about you. I felt a “bond” with you from the first time I read or you read my blog; I don’t know which came first.
    You are right; everyone’s “enough” is different, and everyone’s “enough” can change in a heart beat. I have had times in my life that I thought to myself, “Can’t everyone see that I’ve had enough? can’t they tell I have reached my limit? or it is that they see but just don’t care? or maybe they think I am stronger than I am?”
    I can’t count how many days I woke up and thought, “I can not do this one more day” only to do it one more day and eventually I had enough “one more day” ‘s that my situation changed for the better. I realize that with mental illness and the battles you fight on a daily basis are not the same as my battles because I have control over most issues I battle and none of my battles are enduring.
    what the hell am I trying to say??!!!!
    That I love you Lizzie, the world is a better place because you are in it!, I hope to God you really haven’t had enough and aren’t contemplating exiting because I care and your words and thoughts have inspired me, made me think, made me try harder and I really truly feel you are making a positive difference in the lives of many people.
    Big Hugs xxxxx
    from your Canadian friend
    carrie

  6. Wow, This your best yet, I love it.
    Lizzie, Emerson says in his Essays…”All that I do is what concerns me not what other people think.”
    You are a great writer Lizzie, I love to read your posts, You are a voice crying out in the wilderness of human confusion.

    You are not alone. We’ve all had enough.
    To Quote the poet Wm Blake…”You can never know what’s enough till you have more than enough.

    The Road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom, If the fool would persist in his folly he’ll become wise.

    Hang in there Lizzie. I want you to know that I get high on inspiration and you inspire me.

    Have you ever seen the film “Network” ? It’s contemporary, it’s happening right now this is our society to the max.

    Here we are up in the 21st Century where it’s harder to breathe, too close to heaven to believe I’m here at all.
    The fires of frustration and discord are burning in every city. Atmosphere is oppressive and we’re breathing it in. The rights and beliefs which our forefathers fought for are still at issue around the globe that the rights and freedom’s of man come not from the generosity of the state nor from a corporation, nor from a cop or a politician or a lawyer but from the hand of God.

    “They’ll always be just as many hypocrite’s born as there are honest people and they’ll probably always have superior power in mortal things ” Wm Blake

    You are not Bi-polar Liz, What a chilly sounding word. You are a being of Consciousness , and yes we have all been conditioned and programmed by the government and corporate world. The idea for people like us is to get back to state of innocence.

    “The Child’s toys and the old man’s reason’s are the fruits of two different season’s”
    Wm Blake
    Learn to distinguish between Imagination and psychological States, Imagination is not a state it is the human existence itself.

    You can break away from the pull of the Collective Subconscious Liz, You are a thinker and a great writer .

    I love reading your blogs, I’m an old Counter Culture person from the Sixties, 1965-66 were two of the most beautiful years in the Sixties, I grew up in Southern Calif. on Fri- Sat Night you could drive down to the Strip and there they were, The Buffalo Springfield, The Birds, The Mama’s & the Papa’s, Bob Dylan, Jim Morrison and they would hang out and party with you and smoke a joint with you. The Streets were alive, People were more alive back then.
    You would have loved the Sixties.

    So hang in there Liz. Till next time.
    Peace, Love & Happiness.
    “Remember it is your birth right to be Happy.”
    “IAM” Jaime Galati

    “You can Judge the sickness of a Society by the number of it’s Lawyers.”
    Charles Dickens

  7. Get out of my head, jerk.

    This is beautiful and fucked up and very honest. Like you I’ve had enough. But it’s yours and it’s mine, right?

    Listen know this. you aren’t alone and you are special because of you illness(es) because they’re yours. Plus, you can write your ass off, and you’re entertaining, and you run nekkid with scissors.

    hang in there. lean on those os us who know the pain and pressure and pills.

    *fistbump*

  8. Pingback: My Mean Streak and a Little Mischieveous Retribution | Running Naked With Scissors·

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