Going Under

lost at sea

It is quiet, dark.  I can see the glow from my light but can’t really focus on it.

A minute ago I was on the beach, playing in the waves.  I slipped and was suddenly pulled in with the current.  My first instinct was to fight it, but I have been here before.  Just relax and go with it, it’s easier and the current always comes back around.  

Somehow, I must have missed it.  Was it while I was struggling to break free that the turned back to shore?  Did I miss it when I was frantic to find it?  I am tired, my limbs feel like lead.  The water is pulling me and I need to find something to hang on to.

More days and nights, all blending together as I wait for the tides, or current or the powers that be to bring me back.  Drifting endlessly, in fits of sleep I dream the raft I am on is only my bed, that I am home.

I talk to my friends, in my head, and some speak back to me.  Giving me encouragement, telling me they will help me, just tell  them where I am.  I don’t know, and there is no flare.  I lose time and space and go back and forth from them guiding me home, to wondering where I am.   They don’t leave me though, whichever is real they are there.  Voices from my past join them.  And I wonder how long has it been.

Do they wonder, at home where I am?  Are things getting taken care of or are they piling up for me to muddle through.  Do they even notice or just look through me and assume I am off again…where am I anyways?

Sometimes it is flat and calm, the air stifling like water itself.  Once there was the perfect storm.  The high pressure, and depths of depression collided with a wicked gale of wind and rain.  It was fierce, like rage I felt it in my head.  And my energy has seemed to been taken with it.  I am not hungry, or thirsty, I have no idea of day or night.  Sometimes I sleep, often I dream.  Where is this taking me?

Suddenly I see it, back where I started.  It seems I will never get there.  So close yet so frustratingly far.  Moving nearer, getting pushed back.  Thinking I am there, yet not quite.

My impatience compels me to jump and leave the safety of my bed, or my raft, I know not which anymore.

And I can’t move, the water like molasses.  I have no energy, I have no strength.  I am tired.  So very tired.  It was only a brief moment that I gave up,  Only a moment I thought I wanted to.  But it was enough for the dark depths to pull me …going under, I only wanted to breath.  Fighting with everything I have to come up for air….

I am startled out of sleep.  It is quiet, dark.  I can see the glow from my light but can’t focus and as I gasp for air, I am relieved for a moment. It was a nightmare, a dream…

Except, it isn’t.

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18 responses to “Going Under

  1. Lizzie, you know I’m always here for you. If you ever want to talk wall night just let me know and I won’t take my sleeping pill. I love you!

    • I know Hobbsy.. I don;t want you to lose sleep over me ..and I talk to you lots when I know you are sleeping.. sometimes I forget and think I sent the email and we actually had a conversation.. .because I am not the most perfect friend when I am low..but I try to think of what you are doing and need.. like sleep … to let you know I am grateful.. . and I know if it was dire.. or even something small… you would be here for me. You always are and I love you too :-)

    • well.. it’s funny how you know something … when we are young we think no one would ever understand..then as we get older we find out ..if we are lucky that there are a whole bunch of people who are ver y similar to us.. and the most lucky of us.. find we have people that may not understand exactly..but are willing to ride it out with us…and at some point the realization is that …the undertow gets us all.. every now and then..some more than others..some no matter how we try to avoid it/…. it just does it differently… its the human condition. I just gotta quit playihg in the surf without a life jacket… :-)

    • I know you do :-) you guys are what brings me back….I miss you too.. and I do have lots of conversations with you in my head… late at night.. anytime..just because… love you and thank you .. <3

  2. I am an insomniac, and you have my number. Do not be afraid to use it. Ever.

    Val is right. The undertow gets us all on occasion. Even those of us with enough prepared no one notices when we disappear. <3
    Red.

  3. With my intermittent internet it is hard to keep track but just this morning I told myself I was going to come and make sure you were ok and around. I usually get notification when you post but that has screwed up with other people anD I haven’t been notified. Anyway, then there is a post from you and I rushed to read it. I am sorry you are having a bad time of it. I think I can relate to some degree but I do care a lot! And want tjump on the Lizzie bandwagon with everyone else and say I am here if you need me.
    This was beautifully written my friend.
    Hugsssss
    Carrie

  4. Always a pleasure to see you,Lizzie, no matter whose head your in.
    Wait -that makes no sense.
    Oh, ok,this must be my real comment then.
    And like Val said, let me know what beach, and I’ll keep my board there for you.

    You rock, LizzieC. Don’t ever let anyone tell you different. Even yourself.

  5. It is, i believe, somehow heartening to know that someone else has been in the molasses. Moreso to know that it does end. It does end sometime, and you’ll come out on the other side. Take care of You.

  6. I’m so glad you found your way back to shore dearest cyberdaughter. I hope you feel better! You have expressed your journey so very brilliantly! <3

  7. Nice dream … non dream :) I love that group – Evanescence. I’ve been in that water before. Fighting with what seems like dark invisible forces. :(

  8. Pingback: It Won’t Always be This Way | Running Naked With Scissors·

  9. LIZZIE IT WON’T ALWAYS BE THIS WAY.. damn hope you don’t notice that i stole this from your SIL. hA hA i’m a fool i know but i’m just trying to livin this thing up a bit. You already know we ALL CARE! Now realise that we are F*****UP also. You are never alone.

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