It is quiet, dark. I can see the glow from my light but can’t really focus on it.
A minute ago I was on the beach, playing in the waves. I slipped and was suddenly pulled in with the current. My first instinct was to fight it, but I have been here before. Just relax and go with it, it’s easier and the current always comes back around.
Somehow, I must have missed it. Was it while I was struggling to break free that the turned back to shore? Did I miss it when I was frantic to find it? I am tired, my limbs feel like lead. The water is pulling me and I need to find something to hang on to.
More days and nights, all blending together as I wait for the tides, or current or the powers that be to bring me back. Drifting endlessly, in fits of sleep I dream the raft I am on is only my bed, that I am home.
I talk to my friends, in my head, and some speak back to me. Giving me encouragement, telling me they will help me, just tell them where I am. I don’t know, and there is no flare. I lose time and space and go back and forth from them guiding me home, to wondering where I am. They don’t leave me though, whichever is real they are there. Voices from my past join them. And I wonder how long has it been.
Do they wonder, at home where I am? Are things getting taken care of or are they piling up for me to muddle through. Do they even notice or just look through me and assume I am off again…where am I anyways?
Sometimes it is flat and calm, the air stifling like water itself. Once there was the perfect storm. The high pressure, and depths of depression collided with a wicked gale of wind and rain. It was fierce, like rage I felt it in my head. And my energy has seemed to been taken with it. I am not hungry, or thirsty, I have no idea of day or night. Sometimes I sleep, often I dream. Where is this taking me?
Suddenly I see it, back where I started. It seems I will never get there. So close yet so frustratingly far. Moving nearer, getting pushed back. Thinking I am there, yet not quite.
My impatience compels me to jump and leave the safety of my bed, or my raft, I know not which anymore.
And I can’t move, the water like molasses. I have no energy, I have no strength. I am tired. So very tired. It was only a brief moment that I gave up, Only a moment I thought I wanted to. But it was enough for the dark depths to pull me …going under, I only wanted to breath. Fighting with everything I have to come up for air….
I am startled out of sleep. It is quiet, dark. I can see the glow from my light but can’t focus and as I gasp for air, I am relieved for a moment. It was a nightmare, a dream…
Except, it isn’t.