To brave the dark…let it shine (chonclúid)

This Little Light of Mine…(mar chuid 1)
I’m gonna let it shine…(mar chuid 2)  

Yea, I know every once in a while I come out with the exclamation but it is truly what I have learned.  There isn’t anything big-headed…  it’s big-hearted and humbleness.

Gratitude that I have found a way to be ok with having a mental illness that causes so much grief and hurt and …  confusion.

Gratitude that I have found acceptance, love and a wonderful group of …friends who lift me up and have helped me believe more than I ever thought I would, that there is truly an amazing side to having this illness.  There has to be.  And they have shown it to me while I shared it with them.

Gratitude that I have found a way to make my little light shine and possibly give a little hope to someone else who may be suffering, or the loved ones of those with this illness, to show that there are gifts in it.

It may take a little more time to find them,

A little more patience to encourage and sustain them, but I promise you if you can find these gifts, a life that was once dark and possibly doomed, highly unremarkable except in its disorder and hurt, may turn into …who knows the boundaries to exceed.

I am not going to change much of what I do here, I wouldn’t know how.  But I am going to do a few posts about the other side of bipolar,  and about having a relationship with a bipolar person, and about having a parent who is bipolar and being a bipolar parent, and parenting a bipolar child.

There are gifts and good in each of these situations.  There has to be.

I will be adding another page with a  contact form in the next few days, and I encourage anyone with a question or wanting to share, to please use it.

Please, tell me how I can help you.  If I can help you.

Whether you are ill, or your loved one is, whether you want to know how I cope, or need a glimmer of goodness as you struggle through a dark part of a relationship[p with someone bipolar, whether you are afraid to stay but love them enough to try…anything….

anything at all

I will note here that I am not a professional, not even an Expert Bipolar Patient, I am bipolar, and I will answer your questions and share what I know, what my experiences have been openly.  

 

Maybe that will be enough, for one person to know they aren’t alone, that they aren’t the only one in the world that stands on the edge of the precipice, teetering and swinging madly for help, yet doing it silently, in fear of calling attention to their disorder and instead of being helped, being deserted.

Maybe we can start a movement…maybe we can start with one small light, and bring a glow to the whole damn world…  Wouldn’t it be great?

Too many people are suffering thinking they are not worthy of love, of the things that we all expect to have  in life.  Too many people are suffering alone, too many people are suffering needlessly.  Too many people are suffering in their own heads, wanting to only have someone take them by the hand and say…

You aren’t alone.  I care.

I am chuckling as I come to the end of my thoughts.  In my mind’s eye, and perhaps later today I will illustrate this for your eyes to see, I picture a huge spotlight, like the Bat light over Gotham City, except…bigger and brighter and with maybe a monkey (unless of course they can’t fit the tale)  instead of the bat.  Or LC..for Lizzie Cracked…  that maybe a little conceited but I like to think of it more as…  Effin Awesome!

I have found my super powers, my real super powers, I have realized what I am here to do.

Just. be. me.

And one other thing that I have decided needs just a bit of tweaking….  forgive me Groucho Marx but it must be done.  (don’t worry I doubt it will take yours out of the famous quotes…

Blessed are the Cracked for they shall be the light.  

~Lizzie Cracked and never broken.  

Grouchoicon

Grouchoicon (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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21 responses to “To brave the dark…let it shine (chonclúid)

  1. Lizzie,
    Awesome three part explaining your ‘disorder’ and how you have dealt with it so well. I work in a college and assist people with mental illness and learning challenges and found your words honest and inspiring. We tell our students to be open about their illness and to ask for help when needed, but that isn’t always easy, is it? Thanks for writing this, I’m sure it wasn’t easy and I appreciate your experience for what it is. Keep shining and keep writing..
    God bless,
    KJ

    • thank you…
      asking for help is the hardest thing in the world for me…the hardest thing.. I KNOW i need it sometimes but I feel like a burden.. too needy.. too much.. I have lost friends.. but I have lost more by not telling them …also I think for me.. being stubborn and in denial about needing the help.. well denial is a great word huh? but more like a F*** YOU to the shit in my head.. it;s the power of staying in charge… the rose colored glasses of doing something on my own merit without special consideration or allowances…

      what I have discovered though is that if I am in a situation that I am needing help… not asking.. will make it worse. Most likely I cant fix it myself and someone will have to step in eventually.. sometimes with resentment becasue I have let things get so out of hand… its hard to ask for help but its harder to deal with the consequences of not asking. I try not to say….no I try to stay accountable for what I do.. even if it is completely a bipolar related episode.. .. I suppose it is like an addiction in a way.. at some point you realize that just not doing it.. is easier than making amends… easier than taking responsibility for things you can;t remember doing… help is hard to ask for.. but once you know who you can ask, and trust… it only a momentary sting..

  2. You’ve found your voice and declared your purpose. That’s a rare gift to know those two things at such a young age, but some of us are on an intensive plan of study and you’re at the head of the class! You’re enrolled in the honors class of life!

    Blessed are the cracked for the shall BE the light! Perfection!

  3. “To be part of” indeed.
    I’m lucky to be a part of by reading this post.
    You. F***in. Rock.
    In all the best ways.

    This is among the most moving, poetic, stirring, heartfelt things (post/novel/etc) I’ve ever read.
    Damn right you’re the light. And don’t let anyone ever tell you different.

    Yeah, there’s a tear in my eye after reading this. Ok, in both eyes. Tear of pride in you and amazement for what you’ve been through and the way you carry yourself now.

    Shine on, lizziec. Shine. On.

  4. Lizzie–this is a really touching blog piece. It has a different feel from your other ones (although your voice stays true!). Creating meaning out of suffering is one of the best things we can do for ourselves–otherwise it is just unmitigated darkness. Bring me along for your ride if I can help in any way, from the therapist perspective.

    • I try not to talk so much about …the dark side of my illness… I do actually share it quite a bit but I dont attribute it to it.. I don’t attribute much of anything…except that its everything.. in a way. I had to think long and hard about this.. I would love to have your perspective and support..careful though I am a crazy and unpredictable driver LMAO…thank you so much.. i dont know when – but I will be enailing you.. I have an idea from your offer..I was actually a little stuck til I read your comment so someday soon..I’ll be appearing in your mailbox.. if that is ok?

  5. Girlfriend- you have already brought a huge effing glow to this dark world!

    Thank you for your bravery & for sharing this part of you!

    I think I’m in love…

    • like more than girl crush cause that would be cool lol…. :-)

      it was worth it to let it out… scary …hard as hell… look what say it is and I am just now getting to the comments here… I cried.. for hours after I posted this.. and the other two.. holy emoticating.. but it;s like .. morning sickness…you feel like crap til ya puke and then it gets better…

      oh wait..morning sickness probably not a good example…cause ..well ya like I need to tell you :-)

  6. You are the light; I can feel the warmth from here. Even in the short time I’ve known you, you have grown so much brighter. Dare I say; for lack of a better word, I am damn proud of you!! You rock lady!!

    Love and hugs
    Carrie

    • Carrie – thank you so much.. that means a lot to me. You have inspired me too.. you are so brave and I have learned a lot from you.. I have saved all your posts I missed recently to visit when I finally get my head together… ((((hugs)))))

  7. Thank You for sharing your life and thoughts about your life so eloquently. So well written as well. This morning my thought when I woke up was that we learn who we are as we go along and that we discover who we are as we share this with others. I can see as you share who you are you become the light and that you recognise how bright your own light is. “Just. be. me.” I’m still amazed at how beautifully you shared such a difficult chapter of your story. It’s difficult to comment on such a heart felt post because most of what I really have to say is beyond words. It’s hard to type a heart felt comment. :+)

  8. Absolutely wonderful. You are amazing, Lizzie. I am behind you 100%. I hope all those who know me find you…I am trying.
    Red.
    xxx

  9. Well, El Guapo lied. Those weren’t short. But he was right – they are excellent. I have yet to learn the lesson not to tell people. Ironically, the part where you always know more than the doctor? Yeah, that’s me to the point that I didn’t go in for a diagnosis for years because I was afraid if I walked in the door and said “I’m bipolar, I need medication”, they would laugh and say “you can’t be, because you admit it.”.

    I’ve never been hospitalized because I’m too damned stubborn. (There have been times when I should have been.)

    When I finally walked in with my self diagnosis, the shrink was like “OK, great, fill out this form. OK, yeah, that seems to be the case”. Within a month, I had meds. They help, but you’re right, I’ll never be mentally healthy. Not in the standard way.

  10. Lizzie,
    I love this one and the two prior! I know you offered to do a guest post and I have been neglecting you. Would you be willing to share these three or is there something else you would rather share? I am so glad you found my blog back in Dec and reached out. Your light shines bright!

    • thank you..:-) no no you didn’t neglect me! these 3.. if you want are fine.. anything you want is fine. you have been very busy I know and that’s great! Wow time flies.. I keep thinking it was just a couple weeks ago ..lol..shoot me an email or i will to you.. and thanks :-)

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