She was so sick of being ‘sick’, of being misunderstood, different, labeled. Crazy, Mentally ill, and all its likeness
One moment she was with them outside, warm, blissful, expansive, humored by the mild weather and enjoying the day and the company. A few moments later, she was crushed, cracked, scared, wounded.
She ran into her room leaving the warm playful sun and gentle dancing breeze outside to fend for themselves, her bare feet slapping on the floor, her worn cotton sundress swirling around her legs in protest of moving so fast, straps slipping down over her shoulders as strands of long hair, deep rich auburn, fell out of its clip to flow down her back and get in her eyes.
So intent on the overwhelm of emotion that engulfed her very being, gripping her heart, stealing her breath , but as yet,unnamed Overtaken by the fear of the feeling, for it hurt, and was cruelly twisting the light places of her soul, turning her thoughts into panic and anger and practically pulling the tears from her. …
So overwhelmed, she felt as if her insides would come up from her throat, her stomach heaving in the humiliation of once again forgetting to check her emotions and saying things….for being emotionally inappropriate.
Inappropriate, smothering….crazy they said, shaming her for being, for breathing, for exuding .that which moved her at any given moment…
Unless she oozed contempt, or screamed rage. Still inappropriate but THAT was understandable. That could be fixed, just pop a pill or 7, a few days at that ‘nice place in the country” to rest and reconsider.
The other was unacceptable.
Just because no one got it….She felt everything. From despair so deep, to joy that was boundless…Not just felt. Became each one. Uncontrolled, unconstrained. Why was it so wrong… how was it so wrong to be what you are,,,,to be joy and let it bubble forth in expressions of the feeling you are,,,,?
She felt the darkness bubbling up inside her, the loneliness of being misunderstood, of being labeled and cast out for expressing love…for being love.
Self loathing and anger, directed at the beauty that was her soul for daring to come out and bask in the light then, there, in that moment...in front of those people. Pure spitefulness towards those, that a moment ago, she had felt bonded to.
Why should she have to feel this way for being what she was when it was they who should feel it, for denying what they could be? Sick, tired of being sick when it was not she, in her mind, who was twisted,
She held no motivation in love, or joy, or with her exuberance,,, except to live it…no expectation or even need for return in kind, only to be all that she was and felt She felt so free and light of heart, so open and unguarded in the moment of expression and so miserably unsure scared, timid in the moment after.
The moment when she could see in their eyes that, by their rules, she had crossed a line. Being herself, she had gone beyond their ability to understand, to accept. She would have felt more relief if they had turned their backs on her, physically shutting her out. That she could overcome. But wretched platitudes as she tried to explain what she meant, why she was. .The looking at her with pity mixed with fear…for they could not understand. How dare she feel? How dare she forget to pull herself in?
How dare she exist..
She could not blame them could she? Her thoughts whispered as she curled into a ball wishing only to disappear from herself, within herself. To cast out this darkness this ache she could not yet name
WHat was this that threatened to pull her into the dreaded darkness to pay penance. without any clear knowledge of when she would once again be free. Something beside the jury of her peers, the judge not appointed but swift to rule, had put her here…
The tears came freely now, running down her face, blurring the line between what was real and what was only her fear…
Maybe they hadn’t looked at her like that at all..maybe it was fear that teased her into thinking they turned on her. Self doubt not their doubt. They were always on her side weren’t they? Now the light spinning with the growing darkness, there was no fighting it but she didn’t want to let go…she wanted to go back to the sun and the breeze tugging at the strands of her hair and the fall of her skirt as she danced and twirled and …felt.. that unguarded moment of safety when she let go. The bliss of being, dashed by the fear of betrayal for uttering the things her heart said to her,,,
Her frustration at not understanding the name for this regret and contempt and not knowing where to aim it, in the realization that it may have been her own disordered thinking. That possibly, she had registered the surprise in their eyes as something other than that for they knew her well enough to know she meant no harm,,, she just bubbled without thinking,
WHAT was the name of the darkness then? Had it been lingering all morning dancing at the edges of her bliss, waiting for an unguarded unexamined moment to cruelly slap her down with no help but that which she herself gave it by not questioning it,,, Fucking dark! She wanted to run now…
She curled tighter into herself, grabbing handfuls of skirt in shaking hands as if it were the only connection to reality, the cotton so thin, it couldn’t;t take much to break it. Just like her. Crying out for help with no discernible voice, Hoping one of them would come to find her, to help her cover the wounds, to bring her back to the light,
She needed to name it then it would go…name it, own it, evict it from her mind and loosen the grip on her heart, The minutes wore on and wavering between the confusion of who cast her out really, searching for a name to it, fearing to face it but more than anything ,,,, wanting someone to come and care about her… to clear it up,,,
Please please please, over and over and as no one came she felt the despair and darkness reaching up trying to get a grasp of her,,,and her heart beating faster as the fear of the dark and the loneliness, and in desperation sobbing with the need of a caring touch.
No one was coming. please come,
Then she heard it,,, the soft knock of someone, unsure they were doing the right thing, but unable to not do something. At the sound of her rescue, she opened her mouth, sobbing harder, without any bit of control, her mind screaming Help Me!, her sobs stealing her voice.
Why had it taken this long? Why had they left it til she was already on the edge of darkness? What was this feeling, this god damned feeling that cruelly taunted her senses and made her physically feel like she wanted to vomit…to get it out….
Again the knock at the door, a little more insistent. So close to the relief, to being safe, she could taste it,,,,she opened her mouth to cry out for help …relief..need,,, but the dark came out, and she screamed;
go away! leave me alone! I hate you!
Because somewhere in the back of her mind, the doubt asked her what if it wasnt you - what if you saw what you thought? Crying harder at the sound of retreating footsteps, paralyzed in her withdrawal though desperate to get up and run,,,,,right, wrong be damned….
Don’t leave me, she whispered though there was no one to hear or stay. …..
In that moment, a mere instant too late, she knew,,,the name of it, the depth of it,,,,the despair and cruelty of it,
The darkness engulfed her, and took her away……
- And the darkness rises. (thruglass.wordpress.com)
- Darkness is Nothing But Absence of Light (rollingwithvishnu.wordpress.com)
- the prayer of a wretched heart… (paperairplanesneverflyinstraightlines.wordpress.com)
- Hi,I’m Fear..How do you do?? (anuprasenna.wordpress.com)
- Painful (smilelaughect.wordpress.com)