Well Spank my Ass and Call me Lizzie!(use glitter too, I like it like that.)

Who wants to put moneyon that title getting me thrown back in the Spam Can?

donkey

does this ass make my ass look big? GLittery?

Ah well such is life we all must do what we must do.

And it seems I must do this because I can not ignore it or I would be a hypocrite – and I also would not be able to say my ass is glittery.

I am not one to pass up glitter in any form.  I like bright things and sparkly things.  I like my ass – it turned out pretty good for having 6 kids and being in my 40’s.  I was waiting for it to explode on my 4oth birthday … and it didn’t.  I am lucky like that.  At least about that.

So let’s just get through this shall we?

The reason we are all gathered here is so that I may accept an award of distinguishing merit.  If you came for the spankings I may have misled you a tad but there is glitter :-)   (and if you brought more raise your hand we can chat afterwards.) 

I have been honored by being awarded the Gitter E. Yaynus Award.  (Yay!)

Now I’d like to just say thanks to the guy who designated me worthy of such a high honor – and I will get to him no worries –  and be done with it BUT there are rules.

Rules Smules but since it was presented disguised as a challenge – rather than on the merits of my glittery ass,  I am inclined to follow the rules and run with it.  Just let me grab my scissors and lose my…

The Rules are as follows, and I quote (who I don’t know I am copying and pasting )

Actually I am not gonna copy and paste – I will wing it – fly by the seat of my pants…  the ones that cover my glittery ass – well not now but ok then here we go.

Name 5 things that I do that would make people want to kill me – or hurt me – or hate me ?  ( I am a little unclear which) A LOT-

1.  First of all I can’t MAKE anyone do or feel anything.  That is entirely on them what they choose to feel and or think about me.  So stop pointing fingers.

2. When  I decide I have had enough of someone’s shit –  I am rubber. They aren’t.  They get in a pissing match with me and try to outwit me with sarcasm or words or clever zingers.  They. Lose. Period.   ( I have a heavy-duty rubber body suit – which I half rock by the way from my superhero days)

3.  What were we talking about?  I just saw the frigging coolest butterfly...there!

Next I have to name 5 things I would stick up my Wha?

Wait a minute!!!!  I think I am ahead of myself – hate me that’s where we were…..  I need a Twix.

The North American Twix wrapper as of 2010.

uh YEA I need a moment - or more

4.  I sing.  Whenever  I am moved to. It doesn;t bother me one damn bit I am not sure why it would bother anyone else.  But the Gaggle assures me it is hateful (ok they just said embarrassing I am making the leap that in kid speak embarrassing IS hateful)

5.  I run on my own time.  And it’s not predictable.  Like 20 min changed to Lizzie Cracked time today might be 2 hours  and tomorrow it might be 1/2 of a dog year.

6. I get Klonipin and/or Ativan  legally. I don’t know what the big deal is I’d rather have Adderall but they don’t give it to bipolar people. Very much.

(um I did 6 because I really only did 5 see?)

Ok 5 things I would stick up my ass if  I was forced to.  Gee….. is that  as opposed to  for fun?  Who MADE this award?

1. Good things.  Good things never hurt anyone.  So I have been told a million times when  I fell for that stupid joke.  Only stupid really because I always  fall for  it.  Always.  You haven’t heard it? oh well it goes like this – How is that (whatever lollipop, drink. book, etc etc ) is it good?  Yes it’s good  – well stick it up your ass, good things never hurt anyone.

2. My je ne sais quoi.  Gotta keep it somewhere.  It might have come from there.  I dunno.  But I do know I have it.  Someone told me so!

3.  Paints, crayons, markers and glitter (of course duh)  sometimes I have really Arsty Brain Fartsies and sometimes I just wish I could pass off my farts as art.  Either way – if it’s actually from my ass i got it covered.

4.  Blow up Doll Patch kit.  What?  It works the best if I get a tear in my rubber bodysuit that I half rock.  I don’t ask why…  I used to when the first couple times I put it on I had an uncontrollable urge to hold my mouth in this position..  0   but I just go with it now – this is the best patch material for my needs.

hmm wow I didn’t want to do this and now I am having a hard time deciding what the last thing should be.  I don’t want to seem too exuberant in this area by changing the rules to unlimited instead of 5…..  i don’t think I have that kind of authority anyways.

5.  Dictionary /thesaurus combo.  At least then I’d be assured that when I am talking out my ass, as I am sometimes compelled to do, I am using real words and spelling them correctly and I avoid using the same word over and over.  Ass talking is much more believable – (read easier to pass off as I know what I am talking about) If you use real words that are big.   The content may just squeak by without scrutiny.   Ass talking – it’s not for the weak.

ok what’s next?

Run across a freeway blindfolded – piece of cake.

What? I am here aren’t I?  I was blindfolded but I heard a lot of screeching tires, crunches, crashes and loud cussing, several catcalls and some really loud whistles,  Oh and a ‘hey Baby’ with a thick spanish accent.   Maybe because I was running naked?  I’m gonna go with –  it wasn’t the scissors.

Pretty sure that along with having a glittery ass, I ROCK at stopping traffic.  

Next?

Pick a Prom Court.  uhhhh no.  Not gonna do it.  You can;t make me.  It’s  MY GLITTER AND MY AWARD and MY ASS  I’m not gonna go around letting everyone else have it.    I don’t care if you can already see the headlines tomorrow

LIZZIE CRACKED REFUSES TO GIVE UP THE ASS!

I say HA…

wha?  oh wait a minute What? I can’t hear you what?  I am in the middle of an acceptance speech here that’s rude!  No I can;t cone there…what?  If you think that…

WE ARE EXPERIENCING NETWORK DIFFICULTIES PLEASE JUST RIDE IT OUT. IT WILL BE OVER IN A MINUTE.

Deutsch: High-Key-Aktfoto

Does this Glitter make my Ass look Fat? OF COURSE ITS (not) MY ASS! pretty close then ok?

Prom Court – and let’s be clear I am giving you a glittery ass not giving you my glittery ass.  ok?

One more thing though,  I have to thank El Guapo of Guapola for giving me the chance to shine, sparkle and show my glittery ass off.   I was going to ode to your greatness here – I did actually but it was kinda sappy so I didn’t  and I think everyone  pretty much knows that I hold you in the highest esteem and think you are one Rockin Cool Beans Abiding Dude.  (and music!)

Thanks  – sincerely.  :-)  This one will be on the center of my awards shelf and I will probably dust it too.

So I would like to pass this lovely award on to ……

Linda Vernon & Peanuts (her brain)  – We are getting Cool Ass Gramma Shirts and opening a bakery together – I think we could put this on our who we are thingy when the bakery opens.

The Future of Hope -  She’s a crazy chick with 4 kids that are all boys and she hates socks and she has glitter in her veins and she rocks so here’s a Glitter E. Yanus to match, :-)  Yay!

LaFemmeRoar - Who better deserves a glittery ass but the leader of the Crazy Chicks CLub AND the Crazy Freak Club?  of which I am member of BOTH if you can’t tell.  Rockin Cool Crazy Chick!

Teri of The Narcissist Blog – This may be the only award I ever get that she doesn’t already have so I have to take the opportunity.  I truly enjoy her perspective and how she shares so openly.  Smart lady and I am rooting for her to find the one!

Nicole of the World Behind Nicole Colored Glasses – She’s new – to you, but not to meeeee :-)  She sparkles she shines and I know that she will be taking the bloggingshereoplace by storm so I am giving her first award. !  And we will talk more about her tomorrow at Happy Talk. !  :-)

BreakitDownPete – Because,  I said so.  BAM!  Oh cause the Giants won too and I think this award will go nicely with the bragging rights.  Or something.  This is my apology for suggesting he was a Patriots fan  :-)

OK  that will do for now – just so happens I have a few more (4)  awards up my sleeve.,…er around here somewhere that I need to acknowledge and distribute so that will be just around the corner after we all recover from this….

Barely bearable acceptance of a Winning Ass…. with Glitter…

Lizzie Cracked (not broken) and shaking my glittery ass!

Phew!

Move Your Ass!

Shows Over! If you came for the spankings - please form a line and show your glitter.....

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18 responses to “Well Spank my Ass and Call me Lizzie!(use glitter too, I like it like that.)

  1. Congratulations and I am so honored that you include me :) I love this award. You are a vivacious chick and truly deserve this award. Many people will kiss your glittery ass with pride :)

    • THank you and I am glad you like it! love it… Let the glittery ass kissing commence lol sounds like fun and I gotta take advantage and they will be kissing yours soon too! Yay

  2. I always smile from ear to ear when ever I read your shit! If you truly are crazy – I love it and you rock! If you are not – then you deserve an OSCAR!(HA,HA I can get away with this comment because me and Lizzie go way back. And she has NO problem putting any body in their place including me if we get out of line) Now lets talk about that ASS! Girl I would not kick you out of my bed for eating crackers! Now Glitter? no wayyyyy that shit makes a mess.

    • I have papers – certifiable – commitable. Crackers don’t look as good on my ass as glitter but to each his own :-) and anybody can leave crackers in the bed -not so with glitter….. and on that note.. I will be good :-D

  3. I was going to leave a comment when you first posted this, but I was laughing too hard.
    May your glittery ass shine through the cosmos and bring light to all, lizziec!

  4. Pingback: Happy Talk from The Coffee Spot 2/19/12 | Running Naked With Scissors·

  5. Pingback: Glitter, Anuses, TMI, Versatile, Ninjas, Phenomenas, And Angelina Jolie’s Leg! AKA The Epic Awards | The Future of Hope·

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